So you’ve made a healthy amount of progress since your breakup, and you’re finally able to get out of bed before noon. But it still feels like something is missing. Right when you think you’re actually in a place of peaceful acceptance that you can and will survive without your ex, put your heartbreak on hold with these tips that are mostly, “Just get back together!”
Stay busy (by spending every minute with your ex! Because you’re back together!)
Everyone might tell you to fill your hours with volunteering, reading, or travelling, but why would you do any of that alone if it would be so much more fun to do all of it with your ex? Once you’re back together, you can delay that whole “knowing who you are alone before you can be together” nonsense your mom keeps telling you. Why would you try to love yourself fully when you’ve already found someone that loves you halfheartedly for at least a few more months? This is a good idea.
Surround yourself with loved ones (especially your ex! Because you’re back together!)
Sure, your friends will probably never leave you and your family is practically required to love you for evolutionary reasons, but you’ll push those limits now that your ex has started texting you again! Flake out on “seeing a movie” with your best friend who “really needs you right now.” Nope, you’re going to meet your ex at 3 AM because he “really misses your body” and by body, he probably meant love, trust and respect. Now go through all your friends one by one and explain to them why he’s actually great, despite you constantly telling them how horrible a person he was just a few weeks ago. The solution is getting back together!
Exercise (the right to get back together with your ex!)
Your doctor might tell you that going for a jog or practicing yoga might help you regain your confidence, release healthy endorphins and fight depression, but you’d much rather burn calories by having reunion sex with your ex. When everyone around you thinks you’re making the worst decision of your life, just refer back to your handy list of bottom-of-the-barrel justifications and sprint your way into his arms! Feeling good now means you’ll never feel bad ever again!
Eating healthy foods (with your ex!)
Remember how Jake loved your vegan tacos? Go ahead and take that taco recipe out of the cabinet you hid it in because you cried every time you saw it. Now you can cook those tacos every night because you’re back together!
Get back on the dating scene! (with your ex! Because you’re back together!)
“Play the field,” “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” or “Have you tried Tinder?” are just a few trite platitudes people trot out after a breakup. You know there’s only one fish, field, and right-swipe for you, so why not get back on that horse and ask out the same handsome face you’ve been dating on-and-off for the past nine months? Get it, girl!
Now that you and your ex are back together, you can go ahead and get started on living the lie of your dreams! With one quick fix and a lot of slow burns, you’ll be in the codependent fairy tale you missed so much before he can say, “This was a mistake.” Good luck!