In a surprising development out of Hamden, Connecticut, witnesses confirmed that Halloween is actually pretty soon if you really think about it??
Sources say that if you don’t start thinking about what you want to be now, all the good costumes are going to be gone and you won’t have time to make anything and then you’re going to be totally screwed for Halloweekend.
“June’s almost over, and then July happens, and October is only two months away from August,” explained 20-year-old Jenna Hazzard, who knows exactly what we’re talking about. “Halloween is literally right around the corner.”
A small but vocal faction protests the claim that Halloween is kind of soon, but by all accounts they aren’t really seeing just how fast things like that creep up on you. By October there might be a political figure you could be for Halloween who isn’t even famous yet. Remember Ken Bone?
Sure, you could just go as Melania Trump, but in the next four months Melania could get plastic surgery or be maimed by an aggressive dog. There’s just no way of knowing.
A study out of Quinnipiac University confirmed that zero men have thought about Halloween so far this year. A later study out of Yale University agreed with Quinnipiac and said that that’s really fucking typical. Further statistical analysis suggests that in the last week of October, Party City will sell out of “Sexy Construction Worker Male Construction Yellow Orange 1”.
At press time, all sources had decided to go as cats.
