Boy Writes Poem, Deserves All Puss

This week, 19-year-old USC student Mickey Howard wrote a Shakespearean-style sonnet, and now deserves all the puss in the world.


Mickey arrived at USC as pre-med, but quickly transferred to the English department when he discovered a passion for creative writing. This month, he’s enrolled in Poetry and wrote a mediocre sonnet, which was displayed prominently in the hallway of the English building among several other poems and quickly earned him access to every vagina on campus.


“Yeah, I wrote a poem,” says Howard, while lying on the grass with a teeny leather-bound notebook. “It’s cool how after writing one 14-line poem, now every woman will want me to put my penis inside her.”


Howard’s Poetry I professor, Jess Hartwig, is quick to agree.


“Sure Mickey’s sonnet is messy,” says Hartwig. “His rhymes are actually only slant rhymes and his description of a woman’s body clearly lacks anatomical understanding. But the point is he wrote the poem and yes, now he deserves all the puss he can handle. I’d give him mine if I wasn’t his teacher!”


Meanwhile, the recipient of the Beau J. Boudreaux Poetry award, English major 22-year-old Cara Shun, was not so quick to agree.


“His writing is really bad and one time he sent me a copy of his sonnet at midnight with a wink emoji,” says Shun. “Mickey, just because you actually did your homework once doesn’t mean I will sleep with you.”


In hearing these statements, Howard wanted to clarify what he meant.


“No, I’m not saying I’m a great poet. I’m saying I wrote that one poem and that just equals tons of puss,” says Howard. “I hope that clears the air.”



My mistake,” says Shun. “As long as he can admit to his glaring medicority, I must agree that his effort alone means he deserves each and every puss in the world.”


At the conclusion of this interview, Howard got an email that his grades for the semester had been posted. Upon learning that he received a failing grade for poetry, he came to a conclusion.


“While I am disappointed, this is just so typical of misunderstood artists who deserve to be comforted in their artistic struggles.”


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