What better way to finally force your hot coworker Shane to acknowledge you than by splurging on a deep, bold new lip color? This season’s makeup is all about a sexy, highly conspicuous lipstick that you’ll desperately regret choosing as you meet Shane’s beautiful new girlfriend. Whether you’re rocking the look at work, a party, or a cool and casual hayride you planned for just the two of you, here are the shades you’ll start shamefacedly clawing off when Shane excitedly introduces his “new lady”:
Clinique, “It’s The Wine Talking”
Fall 2014 is bringing those deep purples back in a major way! This high-pigment lip stain with tones of grape and blackberry really pops against medium to fair skin, especially when all the blood drains from your face as you realize that the hot, male half of the canoodling couple in your work lobby is Shane. It’s too late to pretend you haven’t seen them, and too early to rock back and forth in a restroom stall, frantically rubbing a damp paper towel against your lips and wishing you hadn’t let everyone see you make an effort today.
MAC, “Cranberry Sex Cocktail”
This is a classic shimmering red that’s guaranteed to grab Shane’s attention, which is the absolute last thing you’ll want after he introduces you as “a total beast on Excel!” to his girlfriend, Blonde Audrey Hepburn. “More like a total beast who’ll never excel,” you’ll mutter as you try to rub away the evidence with your cardigan sleeve but only succeed in spreading it across your chin like the disaster you are. Oh God, how obvious were you being when you “joked” to Shane that you don’t believe in condoms?
Urban Decay, “Berry Horny”
Summer’s over, and so are its subtler berry shades, and so is that fantasy where you catch Shane looking at your ass and he bashfully looks away and then you do it on Hank’s desk and then you get married. Try to forget you were ever deluded enough to think that was possible, while you scrape off this vibrant berry gloss with your teeth and ask “So how’d you two meet?” in a voice you don’t recognize.
Marc Jacobs, “Pumpkin Fuck”
This burnt orange with hints of gold is one of six new seasonally inspired shades from MJ. Did she say her name was “Vera”? Jesus. Of course Shane would date a Vera. He was never going to date you, Madge Smurtz. That’s your name now. Yes it is, you garbage lump of crap. That’s your fucking name now. Standing there in your stupid expensive lipstick. God, you’re pathetic. Bonus: a portion of the proceeds go to charity!