Jordan Pierson, typically the coolest attendee at any given party, was downgraded to second coolest at a recent housewarming shindig after the arrival of one Poppy Ledley, a woman with a distinctly charming British accent.
“To me, second place is just first loser,” said Jordan. “So suffice it to say that I’m very upset.”
Jordan, who is black and therefore effortlessly cool, went on to explain her dismay.
“I’d always assumed that ‘only black person at the function’ was cemented at the top of the party popularity hierarchy,” she said. “I would’ve never guessed that a white woman could beat me in that department. But I also never considered the implications of one with a fun accent.”
“They caught me slippin’, so to speak,” Jordan added, still sounding undeniably cool, but only second to Poppy talking about her “crisps” and how she pronounces “garage”.
Other party attendees are sympathetic.
“I really feel for Jordan,” said Lincoln Cohen. “I’ve never been to any get together with her there and seen her not be the coolest, whether it’s through her dance moves or her outfit or even kind of just the way she stands? She’s obviously rad, but like, Poppy’s got an English accent.”
“I can tell Jordan’s hurting,” added Jessa Lopes. “But I hope she knows that she’s still so stylish and funny and likeable, without even trying! Just in a way that Poppy kind of naturally usurps.”
“Maybe she can, like, fake an accent,” Jessa added.
“This is just the way I speak, innit?” Poppy added, sounding so, so charming and foreign.
But for Jordan, the whole situation feels dire.
“I’ve never felt like this in my life,” she said. “I truly don’t know how to cope. Do I make up a new slang word off the top of my head and casually drop it into conversation, hoping it catches on? Do I run out and grab a new hat or, like, play some obscure 90s rap?”
“No way the people at this party know who Digable Planets are,” Jordan added.