Last Sunday, Manhattan resident Madison Wilson shocked everyone who witnessed as she went about her day drinking a huge iced coffee like she owns the damn place. The first to observe Wilson’s blistering confidence were the fellow patients and staff of Wilson’s general physician where she stopped off in the morning for an annual appointment.
“The moment she strutted into the office with that huge coffee, I couldn’t take my eyes off her,” said a patient, Wanda Davis. “There she was sipping on her iced coffee, somehow looking bored, pissed, all-knowing, royal, and exhausted all at once. I mean, who is this bitch?”
“Who is this bitch?” seemed to be the question on everyone’s lips while Wilson usurped ownership of the entire doctor’s office with her blasé ginormous iced coffee drinking.
“When Madison approached my desk, I’ll admit it: I was floored,” said Rory Abramov, the office’s receptionist. “I thought, has this brilliant but understimulated heiress just purchased our office as a joke? Is she scouting gallery spaces? Is she marrying my dad? I swear, the coffee was taller than a two-liter coke. ”
“When she spoke to me I got a chill down my spine,” continued Abramov. “It was like she was looking at me over the brim of sunglasses even though she wasn’t wearing sunglasses.”
Wilson’s physician, Dr. Maya Hall, confirmed accounts of the outrageous display.
“Madison walked into my exam room looking like she just hooked up with Jon Hamm,” said Dr. Hall. “Normally I would never discuss a patient because it’s a blatant breach of patient-doctor confidentiality, but honestly when she came in sipping on that mammoth coffee I was like ‘Who’s the doctor? You or me?’”
Wilson’s experience at her doctor’s office was only the first in a string of events during which she strutted the streets like the high priestess of cold brew. The iced coffee sipper next made her way to a boutique.
“When I saw her going through a rack of dresses with one hand while holding her gigantic beverage in the other,” says one witness. “I walked up to her thinking she was the owner of the store. She said, ‘no,’ and then asked me if I could get her a size 6, which I did, even though I don’t work there. How does this bitch fucking do it?”
When asked if she was consciously cultivating her air of unimpressed authority, Wilson flipped her hair, took a slurp of her colossal iced coffee and strutted away towards a bathroom.