Choosing a name for your new bundle of joy is a serious issue – as is making sure your man remembers all the times that he was wrong about something. Why not kill two birds with one stone and choose a sweet moniker to make him pay for all those times you were right?
Kyle, a super cute name from the British Isles, will forever remind him of the time he lost several thousand dollars to his swindling friend, Kyle. Every time he holds your son, he’ll remember that you were right about not loaning money to shady friends to pay gambling debts. Why did he think Kyle would spend it on overhauling his HVAC system instead of blowing it at the racetrack? Husbands can be wrong sometimes, so make your son a symbol of one of those times.
Charlotte is a beautiful name for your daughter, plus it rubs it in that he thought this was the capital of North Carolina. It’s either this or Raleigh, so why not choose the cuter name to underscore his wrongness? While you’re at it, why not choose Asia as a middle name, for the time he was convinced Asia was a country?
It’s a popular boy’s name, and for good reason. Also, remember how your Chase Sapphire Preferred Visa bill is due on the third of each month? Well, he thought it was the fifth—and now he’ll never forget. This trick will also work with edgy names like Amex and Banana Republic Card.
It’s not just the name of former 007, Pierce Brosnan. This English name will never allow him forget the time you staked all your bar trivia points on his assurance that Millard Fillmore was the fourteenth president—when that was totally Franklin Pierce. Your former team, The Quizmonauts, hasn’t called you since.
This name means “free from envy”—but you’re going to be the envy of all your mom-pals when you make your husband go with this name. You’re not sure how many times, or why, even, you’ve had the argument about which one is Dermott Mulroney and which one is Dylan McDermott. It doesn’t matter, though, because you were right about which of them was in My Best Friend’s Wedding, and that’s why he’s going to live with it for a minimum of 18 years.
It’s a conservative choice, but a lovely name for a little girl. It will also vindicate you for all the time you spent totally knowing who killed Laura Palmer – when he had this crazy theory that it was Bobby Briggs, or even the Log Lady. To rub it in, be sure to decorate the nursery with an edgy chevron-patterned floor and heavy, red draperies.
A short form of Elmo or Maurice, this retro moniker could be making a comeback! Plus, it’ll be a great way to make him remember that no matter how many times you warn him, every time he eats at Moe’s Southwestern Grill he gets diarrhea. Same goes for Chipotle and Qdoba, if you’re feeling a name with a more “ethnic” vibe. Let your son be the one to remind him of all that ruined underwear.
Stately and old-fashioned, this Scottish boy’s name means “bright and clear.” It will also remind him of the time you wanted to stop at that Sinclair gas station to fill up in Flagstaff, but he said that an eighth of a tank would be “plenty.” And we all remember how that turned out—your Yorkie got snatched by a vulture, and your whole face still looks like Chik-Fil-A patty from the sun damage incurred while you waited for AAA in that desert.
Another traditional and popular name – perfect for rubbing it in, especially considering what he was wrong about in the bedroom. You warned him it would be a mistake to rub Bengay ointment on his balls. If he can’t learn his lesson, you’re naming the next one Icy Hot.
Sure, it’s the name of the yellow and blue monolith that spells nothing but trouble for disgruntled couples on the weekend. And yes, it was the cause of your latest spat—could he have done a worse job assembling the Hensvik? And remember how you had to drive back to Paramus to get the missing Hamar rod for the Sniglar? You made this such a nightmare, Tom.
You were thinking about a nature name, so what better than this unusual one that means a rock formation that rises up from the floor of a cave? Yes, that’s right. From the FLOOR. Not the ceiling. Those are stalag-tites (they “hold on tight”). Jesus Christ, doesn’t everyone know that?
Sure, it’s a bit unorthodox, but you can’t deny the power and presence the name implies. Every time he changes one of Masterlock’s poopy diapers, or reads little Masterlock a bedtime story, he’ll remember how he swore that he’d secured your bike to the back gate. And where is that bike now, Eric? Where?
Remember that these names are just a jumping-off point—not a jumping-off point like the time Gary went bungee jumping on his bachelor party weekend and ended up in traction (but that’s another good reason to name your little girl Alameda, right?). So have fun, pick something to really get his goat, and cherish your new little miracle!