In a recent display of real and not at all fake friendship, your college roommate reached out to you after learning you made the Forbes 30 under 30 list this year.
Aww! How sweet that this friend has been out of your life for seven years and is only back now because you are more successful than her!
Sources confirm that when your old roommate saw your name being tagged all over Facebook, it prompted her to reach out. While your friend has made no effort to contact you for nearly a decade, she reportedly felt very comfortable sending you a casual email congratulating you on your accomplishment and asking you to get lunch soon.
“It was extremely transparent,” you told your real best friend, who has been literally been by your side through thick and thin. “I literally haven’t talked to her in years. She’s never met my wife, she’s never seen my home. She didn’t even fully read my Forbes feature because the email she sent me said, ‘What do you do now?’”
“I’m sorry, but it’s disrespectful to pretend like we’re close now that I’m successful. I swear if she was doing better than me she would never in a million years want to see me,” you added.
How freaking cute! This friend thinks what she’s doing isn’t super obvious!
Of course, your real friends have been quick to criticize your fake-ass friend.
“Where was she when your dad had cancer?” says your literal BFF who supports you endlessly. “Where was she four years ago when your company was in debt? What a fake bitch.”
“Wait what’s her name?” asked your amazing wife who loved you even when you were a poor girl with a dream. “You have literally never talked about her.”
Still, this rando biotch insists her reaching out isn’t weird and makes sense. When reached for comment, she was quick to jump on the opportunity to be included:
“I just love her. Did you know she’s one of my best friends?” she said, beaming. “You know I lived with her? Yeah, she’s so great. She’s in a magazine now!”