Aunt Phyllis ‘Not Mad, Just Disappointed’ In Starbucks Holiday Cups

Reports have confirmed that Aunt Phyllis is “not mad, just disappointed” in this year’s Starbucks holiday cup design.


The green “Unity” cup is a marked departure from the typical festive Christmas red, a detail Aunt Phyllis notes as both “interesting” and “surprising” and “a little sad, don’t you think?”


“Starbucks is its own company and I can’t tell them what to do,” Aunt Phyllis says. “But I do hate that this is happening, and absolutely think there was another decision that could have been made here.”


Local Starbucks employees were reportedly braced for an explosive response from Aunt Phyllis.


“It happens every year. The cups are never Christmas-y enough for Phyllis,” barista Jenny Koff says. “So when we opened up a shipment to find regular-looking green cups? I thought shit was going to hit the fucking fan.”



Instead, when Aunt Phyllis came in for her daily venti steamed milk, she surprised baristas by pursing her lips, shaking her head, and muttering “Wow. Okay. If that’s what you’re gonna do.”


Witnesses say that Aunt Phyllis said this was “not the Starbucks she knows” and that she “hopes they think about their behavior and how it helps other people.”


“That was almost worse. I was like, ‘Just yell at them!’” patron George Delaney says. “But then I was like, these are just cups and it really doesn’t matter.”


Phyllis’ daughter Carole says she’s concerned about her mother.


“She really believed in Starbucks, so the let-down was hard,” Carole explains. “But, you know, she’s already moved on to talking about how sparse our neighbor’s wreath is, so it will be fine.”


Aunt Phyllis admits her relationship to Starbucks has changed since seeing the new cups.


“I love going to Starbucks, so it’s hard to totally walk away,” she says. “But I’m probably going to take some space until next year when I become enraged about this all over again.”