Two years after I was born, my parents blessed me with a best friend for life: my sister. We did everything together from catching salamanders down at the pond to talking about our first crushes. And in spite of all our differences over the years, she is still my shit sister and I hate her.
Many people turn to their sisters in times of need, and mine is no exception. We’ve been there for each other through the toughest of times: breakups, losing our jobs, wasp nests falling through the sunroofs of our cars. But at the end of the day, my sister is also the person my boyfriend took to senior prom instead of me, and when all is said and done, she can really go fuck herself for that one.
My sister and I shared countless beautiful memories growing up. The first time I held her in my arms she smiled, grabbing my thumb with her tiny baby fingers. I felt in awe at her existence. Then she peed all over me, and I dropped her on the concrete sidewalk. Our mom grounded me for two weeks without Nintendo, so my sister really dicked me over there.
Thankfully we have both matured since then. I now run a successful physical therapy practice, and she works as a paralegal at a private law firm. So can anyone tell me why she still owes me $1,500 for rent? Because at the end of the day, she is a selfish bitch who has no other place to live and honestly I’m sick of her shit.
That being said, our parents have always tried to teach us life lessons about friendship, respect, and love. Why is why I will always cherish my sister, despite the fact that she didn’t even bother picking me up from the airport when I visited her. She just sent a private car to hand me a train ticket and then drive off. Who fucking does that??
As a big fan of Disney Channel’s Sister, Sister, I loved seeing girls hanging out with their sisters. I felt so lucky to have a Tia to my Tamera, but at the end of the day, I had more than that: a sister who stole not only my heart but also my clothes and my dignity. Fuck you, Julie. I hate you.
Granted, we are part of each other’s lives more than anyone could imagine. We go shopping and compliment each other’s style. But at the end of the day, she printed 400 copies of very sexual fan fiction I wrote about my high school English teacher and covered the school with them and shoved me over the side of the mountain on a family ski trip because she sucks and I hate her.