Asshole Dog Won’t Tell Owner He Smells Cancer

After two months of his hyper-sensitive nose detecting a possible malignant growth in his owner, eight-year-old lab mix, Licorice, has decided not to tell his owner Jillian that he smells cancer.


“I just know it’ll be this whole to-do if I tell her,” said Licorice, who is kind of a dick. “I kind of just don’t feel like dealing with all that drama right now.”


Licorice reports first noticing the odor in February after Megan returned home from a date.


”I meant to paw at it right then and get her attention, but I needed to go take a whiz and get my treat,” said this asshole dog. “Then, I guess I just forgot about it.  She has a doctor’s appointment soon, they’ll figure it out. Probably.”


While he enjoys the long walks, toys, grain-free food, and veterinary care Megan has scrimped and saved to provide since saving him from euthanasia at a rural shelter, Licorice just doesn’t feel up to the emotional demands a diagnosis and lengthy treatment might require of him.


“As it stands right now, I’m her entire support system,” said Licorice. “So I don’t know if I could deal with more. She needs to find a husband or at least a boyfriend so she can stop relying on me for everything.”


“She might have better luck landing one if she didn’t introduce me as her ‘fur kid,’” he added.



Does Licorice feel guilty about his decision?


“Look, I’m not an oncologist,” said the spiteful dog. “I can’t beat myself up over everything that happens. Let go and let God, as they say.”


“The way I figure it, the worst case scenario is I have to spend my golden years with Megan’s sister Dina and her three cats,” Licorice added. “It’s a decent house and it’s all the cat turds I can eat, so I can’t complain. I do wish Jill the best though.”