This week, 43-year-old computer programmer Hannah Galles amazed her friends by revealing she’d somehow gone the last 25 years without ever paying for her own weed. Wow! How has she never done that before?
Friends say they are all too aware that Galles has gone her entire life without performing this fundamental task.
“She recently texted me asking if she could buy a pound off me for $20,” says Nita Perry, a close friend of Galles. “Why doesn’t she know how this works? She’s literally been smoking every day since college.”
Galles confirmed she’s been a recreational smoker since freshmen year at Emerson College 25 years ago.
“I’ve seen Hannah get promoted from entry-level programmer to senior software engineer. She paid off her mortgage, a new Honda Pilot SUV, and most of her student loans and she did it all in cash—all of which seems way shadier than paying a dealer for weed,” Perry says. “So how has she never done that?”
“I mean, I throw people money for smoking me up with their weed,” Galles says. “I’m not a monster. Anyway, is a kilo a good amount to buy? Or does weed still come in dimebags? Can anyone tell me what’s going on?”
Galles continued to astound her friends by contacting each and every one of them for help, with questions ranging from: “Should I buy a burner phone?” to “What does kush mean?” to “Is $4,000 a good deal for whatever this guy I met behind a Kmart is trying to sell me in a Ziploc baggie?” before ultimately giving her some of their own stash.
Galles’ level of ignorance is a true testament to her prodigious talent for always being able to avoid buying her own marijuana.
“Looking back on my life’s journey, I can easily say I’ve accomplished so much on my own,” Galles reflects. “I’ve accepted a lot of responsibility in my life, but when it comes to paying for weed, I guess I’ve really skated by on that one.”
Galles wonders if she deserves some kind of award for her achievement, but friends say the thousands of dollars worth of free and steeply discounted weed she’s gotten over the last 25 years already counts.