It’s no secret that I’m a feminist. Ask my friends, my family, or my mailman and they’ll tell you that I am all for women’s empowerment. When people say women belong in the house, I’ll be the first to chime in and say they belong in the Senate, too! It’s a play on words, but I truly believe women belong in government, one hundred percent. I also believe a modern day woman should also step up to the plate to hold my wedding dress while I pee, which is what I literally keep telling you, Lauren.
I was a gender studies major and I’ve watched a lot of BuzzFeed videos with cool young women talking about gender inequality. For example: Did you know there are only 20 women senators out of 200 in total? That is so crazy! Did you know that no matter how empowered you are, a gal sometimes needs a little help with her beautiful and heavy wedding dress so she can pee before she marries the man of her dreams? I just want to remind you that I did not invent the wedding dress but Lauren, please get over here now.
Women are smart, intuitive, and strong. And speaking of strong, it’s going to take some pretty strong arms to hold up my 10-foot-long train while I hover-squat over this bridal suite toilet. Who is better for that job than a woman? Lauren, your arms look so good these days and I need you to do this for me or things are going to get ugly.
I also went to an Equal Pay Seminar and we learned a lot about how women are held back in leadership roles. It makes my stomach hurt thinking about how women have suffered discrimination for so long. My lower stomach is also aching because of my bladder. My bladder is full and it’s uncomfortable and that’s why I really, really need you to be my designated dress holder, Lauren. I know this is not your job but I really can’t do this without you.
In the end, women can do anything. Their place is anywhere they want to be, and that is why I’m a feminist in 2016. What I’m also saying is, Lauren, if you don’t hold my dress you’re not a feminist. So are you a monster, Lauren? Are you??