It’s important to come into every dating experience with the hard lessons you’ve learned in the past. And it’s hard to find the confidence to say, “Maybe Brandon wasn’t the guy for me, but just in case he is and I blew it in some rectifiable way, I’m going to follow these specific guidelines that I write on a whiteboard to be better next time.” Here’s everything I learned about dating a new guy in 2016 based on how I lost Brandon to the arms of another:
1. Get to know his interests!
It’s good to ask him what he’s into, like running, hiking, and keeping things casual—his interests are your interests! A note of clarification: this does not mean endorsing all of his skills on LinkedIn. I know, who knew? Apparently Roxanna. She knew, I guess. She knew and now they’re dating officially, which is hilarious because he “wasn’t looking for anything serious.” Ha ha!
2. Speaking of, be a nurse’s assistant who loves corgis, basketball, and the beach.
This step really seems to be the ticket to his heart. Brandon’s heart, that is. Apparently they met in a Trader Joe’s when they both reached for the same flavor of Chobani yogurt at exactly the same time. What can I say, they both really love mango! Brandon texted me from their subsequent coffee date to tell me that he’d have to reschedule our lunch.
3. And enough with the salads!
Guys love to see that you can eat, so don’t play it safe! Did you know that Roxanna ordered a whole half-rack of ribs at their first lunch date? I myself kind of blew it—I guess Brandon didn’t believe that I really just like a good chicken Caesar. If you’re reading this, Brandon, I love burgers too. I have eaten literally hundreds of burgers in my lifetime. We should go get burgers. Call me? No future man will not know that I love burgers.
4. Be honest about everything.
Don’t tell Brandon, but I hate burgers. So maybe just be honest about everything except for most things.
5. Just forget about the five-date rule!
It’s not the Victorian era anymore—it’s okay to sleep with a guy even before five dates! Because he’ll have already slept with Roxanna when you’re still on date number four. And she was a yoga instructor before she went to night school to become a nurse’s assistant, so odds are she’ll be satisfying Brandon sexually before you can even get to him. Don’t miss your chance!!!
6. Leave your baggage at the door.
Of your own apartment, because if you show up to his for a surprise weekend getaway, you might accidentally walk in on him and Roxanna making pancakes together in the nude. Wow.
7. If you don’t smell like lavender right now, you’re doing it wrong.
For the record, she had an amazing body and smelled great.
8. Be yourself!
But only if you’re Roxanna. Brandon has great taste, so trust in him. Be yourself, Roxanna!
9. Don’t be yourself.
For everyone who isn’t Roxanna, including me. Biggest mistake of my life!!!
There you have it: the nine tips you’ll need to arm yourself with as a single gal in our modern times who just couldn’t cut the mustard when it came to keeping Brandon around. Good luck!
