Here at Reductress, we are committed to telling you the truth, but we are also committed to selling you charmingly packaged, compelling lies. And be honest, did you come looking for beauty advice because you thought you’d find a solution, or because you desperately wanted to try (buy) something, anything to make your eyes less puffy, your makeup stay on, and your figure svelte as fuck? We thought so, so here are some beauty myths we’re keeping alive.
Myth #1: Brushing your hair 100 times will make it shinier.
Beauty rituals that came straight out of a cartoon princess’s boudoir can’t be wrong, right? Sure! So get to brushing, Your Highness. It makes no sense, but as far as we’re concerned, this one is true!
Myth #2: Eating chocolate helps you lose weight.
Believe it or not, we are going to maintain that this myth is true. This fits in with the old lying-to-yourself maxim, “the best way to achieve what you want is to do what you already want to do anyway.” So wise. Keep up that solid beauty routine!
Myth #3: The best lipsticks cost under $5.
The populist message of this beauty myth is too appealing to look further into. So we won’t. So say goodbye to Sephora and hello to CVS!
Myth #4: Drinking more water will hydrate your skin.
This seems like it’s scientifically accurate, right? Well, that’s good enough for us! Just start drinking that stuff that already comes out of your tap, and in no time your skin will be as dewy as, well, water!
Myth #5: Toothpaste gets rid of pimples.
The idea that something in your medicine cabinet can fix the hot mess of your face sure is a comforting thought. Let that idea envelop you as the toothpaste dries impotently upon your skin. Haha, what are you doing?
Myth #6: Pumping your mascara gets rid of clumps.
Well this is a fun little ritual, isn’t it? Kind of harmless, whatever. Keep doing it, weirdo.
Myth #7: You have to change your shampoo often to keep your hair healthy.
From a shampoo sales perspective, this seems like a great idea. So we’re gonna roll with it. Fuck it, buy, like, eight shampoos!
Myth #8: Exfoliation can shrink your pores.
Man, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just shrink those fuckers into oblivion, your face becoming one flawless unchanging mask, which is after all every woman’s dream? Well, we won’t be the ones to tear that dream away from you, so buy an exfoliant and kiss your pores goodbye!
Myth #9: Lancôme Advanced GÉNIFIQUE Youth Activating Serum will make you look ten years younger in two weeks.
This checks out.
Whether or not these are real, and they aren’t, you now have a solution to blindly cling to, which is all you really wanted. Look on the bright side; now that you believe these beauty myths, you can believe anything!