During a breakup, it can be helpful to distance yourself from memories of the relationship. Especially when you’ve been dating a gorgeous idiot who put his strong yet gentle hands all over your belongings. Here is a list of every good thing you MUST avoid in order to forget the existence of stupid, beautiful Steve!
Your priceless copy of Of Mice and Men
You know that book that was the subject of your entire senior thesis? The touchstone that let you discover the tragedy of the human condition? The tome that your great-grandfather had autographed by John Steinbeck himself? Well Steve touched it when he came over for Labor Day weekend while saying, “I’ve been thinking about getting into reading,” so you can’t love it anymore ‘cuz that book sucks now. Overdramatic garbage! Offensive! Boring!
Waking up used to feel revitalizing until Steve came over and used your Aquafresh, holding it with his strong pianist fingers. You immediately threw it out but haven’t replaced it with a new brand because Aquafresh (a.k.a “Shittyfresh”) is right next to all the other toothpaste brands in the drugstore and you can’t risk having to SEE it again. You’ll use Listerine pocket strips ’til you’re good and ready, girl.
All Flavors of Ice Cream
On a summer day, the one thing that would cool you down is some cookies ’n cream ice cream, crafted by your favorite homemade ice cream shop. But too bad you took Steve there for his birthday and he touched the cases with his stupid pretty hands and he gingerly licked at his cone while you guys laughed about what terrible farmers you’d make, and now all that ice cream is tarnished and all flavors are basically cookies ’n cream.
After a long day, it’d be nice to unwind with some good storytelling. But no, because on your third date you and Steve went to an old movie theater to see a midnight screening of Casablanca and he sat in the seat with his pretty body and caressed the screen with his deep blue eyes and now you can’t see any movies in your home or elsewhere. Stupid hot Steve.
Macaroni and cheese. Ravioli. Lasagna. You can’t have any of this, because once you guys went shopping and Steve picked up the pasta box instead of the quinoa box. So now you can’t stop associating that pretty little idiot with penne, linguini, rigatoni, and at least twenty other pastas that you can’t think of, so it’s best to stay clear of all of it.
You need water to live. But actually you’d die if you drank it because the first time you saw Steve after that Christmas apart he was holding a bottle of Smartwater but it was actually filled with tap water and then you kissed but basically all water sucks now. DO NOT DRINK WATER.
Remember those cute little massages you used to get from Steve? Well stop it because those massages were stupid no matter how rhythmic his firm hands were. Now you can’t go in dressing rooms or wear bathing suits. Do not engage with your back. Your back doesn’t exist. For all you know, you are merely the front of a ribcage with a head and some front-skin and no shoulders that Steve will never touch again.
The Letter “S”
His name ruined the letter “S.” Because you don’t want to see anyone with a name starting with “S” come up on your phone, you have to change everyone’s name that starts with an “S” in your contacts to start with the letter that is the opposite of “S.”
Breakups are painful, but just remember to get back to the things you love. Unless Steve touched them in which case avoid them because everything Steve touched SUCKS! Or should we say “$UCK$?”