You might be sitting there in your depressing little cubicle thinking, “I might not be doing so great, but things are not so bad, either; at least I have health insurance.” But you’re probably not considering is that you’re in debt, on the brink of getting fired, and could die at any moment. Bet you didn’t think about that, did you? Here are some other signs that things are going even more poorly than you initially thought:
1. You’re over 30 and paying for Tinder.
Over 90% of your eggs have disappeared from your ovaries along with 90% of your self-respect. And now you are paying an increased price to use a dating app designed for casual sex because you can’t make eye contact with a cute stranger at a bar. You’d try Match.com, but it just seems too sad. Tinder Plus is all the sadness you can handle right now.
2. You worry about which restaurant your next meal is coming from.
Will all of those $15-20 charges on your debit card ever end? Maybe if you paid your student loans on time just once, you’d have good enough credit and lust for life to buy and cook your own food. You might say, “Well, at least I’m not starving to death.” And do that we say, “You’re just a waste of flesh binge-watching Netflix and stuffing your face and feelings of inadequacy with pad Thai.”
3. You’re the exact same human potato you were a year ago.
You might have thought that being “steady” and “consistent” is a desirable trait, but personal evolution is essential to become a fully functioning human being who will totally get married one day. Remember those “resolutions” you made? Are you ever going to stop complaining? Are you ever going to join that support group for adults who still shoplift? You know what other species didn’t evolve? The Neanderthals. Then they went extinct. Better keep an eye on that unibrow.
4. You have no sense of how sad your life looks.
The first and most crucial step in growing up is simply being aware. Being able to admit that something is not right is an incredible leap in adulthood. But you still have the self-awareness of Taylor Swift at 22. Only thing is, you will not make a billion dollars off of your heartbreak.
5. You have as much ability to take care of yourself as a dehydrated toddler.
Sure, you technically make it to work on time everyday, but you still don’t know how many hours of sleep you need; you don’t moisturize, and wonder why you don’t feel healthy. And when you are stressed, heartbroken or depressed, you know how to push anyone away who tries to help you so that you can drown in your own misery.
6. You’re working toward a goal by laying in your bed.
Adults have goals. Yet you are constantly exhausted, depressed, stoned, hungover, and covered in the copious amounts of lube you use because you can’t even get yourself turned on when you masturbate. If you can’t manage an iota of imagination to dream a better life for yourself, you are doing even worse than you realize.
7. You’ve been “going through some shit” for a while now.
You’ve been making the same choices, just variations on a theme for as long as you’ve been a sentient human being. Every guy you’ve had sex with has had some kind of tribal tattoo. You don’t have the energy to go through the pile of unused makeup and dresses you wasted money on every time you lied to yourself about starting over. Your rough patch is starting to turn into a rough life.
Now that you understand that things are actually even worse than the self-destructive narrative you’ve created for yourself, maybe you’ll have that extra impetus to get it together? Just kidding! You can finally accept that you will never go anywhere.
