Every girl wants to drive her man wild in the bedroom. What’s hotter than sexing a guy so good, he has to go live in the woods because he doesn’t know how society works anymore? There’s nothing like pushing a guy past what he can psychologically handle so that he lives the rest of his life as an invalid. Pluck the sanity right out of your man’s frontal lobe with these scorching tips:
1. Put his cognitive abilities on ice.
Slip an ice cube into your mouth before going down on your man for a powerful sensation that’ll knock him back to the cognitive abilities of a toddler. You’ll send an icy-hot shiver up his spine that will make its way to his brain and ruin it forever.
2. Two-hand twist his shaft – and his reality.
The next time you go down on your guy, twist your hands in opposite directions along his member. This move won’t only give your mouth a break and increase his pleasure; it’ll also make him feel so good, he’ll be completely disoriented and terrified of what is happening. After this move, he won’t even know his own name! Not knowing his own name will make his life very difficult.
3. Remove his ability to reason with mid-coital Kegels.
Spice up any P-in-V encounter with a tight squeeze! He’ll be moaning for more, and for his mother, and for his commanding officer. That’s right: This sensational “hug” will have him thinking he’s back in ‘Nam. He never even went to ‘Nam! He’s 27! Xin chào, pleasure!
4. Imprison him in his own mind with a humming blowjob.
Humans have evolved to fear buzzing sounds, as they can indicate an earthquake, a cloud of insects, or an orgasm so intense it shatters your mind into a million pieces. When you’re giving him a blowjob, simply start humming any tune. Hum louder and louder. It’ll be the last song he hears before becoming completely locked in for the rest of his life. You know, locked in? Where someone is conscious but can’t move or communicate at all? You get it!
5. Massage the madness out of his glute muscles.
Guys hold a lot of tension in their large muscle groups. Knead your knuckles into the sides of his hips and he’ll release everything – especially the rage he’s kept carefully repressed for decades. Soon he’ll be acting out in ways that put his old dad in the loony bin back in the fifties. Do they still call it that? Insanity is hot!
6. Stroke his prostate until it looks like he’s had a stroke.
It’s well into the new millennium, and straight guys are evolved enough to enjoy a little backdoor action. Carefully insert a finger inside him until you feel a little walnut-shaped knot, and stroke it back and forth until half his face permanently collapses into an emotionless shell. Even years of electroconvulsive therapy won’t rewire the severed connections in his brain.
7. Pretend to be a sexy stranger until he doesn’t know who you are anymore.
Rekindle your “spark” next to the powder keg that is “everything he holds to be true” by donning a sexy disguise. Your comforting assertions that, “It’s just Kerry, Dan; it’s me, Kerry!” will fall on deaf ears – Kerry is definitely not a redhead French maid! Kerry is Kerry! Who are you? Nothing says “keeping it fresh” like calling your brother-in-law for help in the middle of the night.
8. Snap his sanity with butterfly kisses on his lower abdomen.
If you really want to push him over the edge of sanity, graze your man’s “happy trail” with your eyelashes. The deluded ramblings he emits after you perform this delicate move will have you gently nodding, forcing a smile while softly weeping, and reaching for the phone to call the nearest sanitarium. He’ll be groaning with pleasure by the time those big lugs from St. Mary’s toss him into a padded truck.
However you do it, there’s nothing like scrambling your man’s mind forever. He’ll be thanking you (who he thinks is his nurse but can’t be sure) for a long, long time!