You might be just another aspiring writer living in the city, so how are you going to come up with sexy or inspiring tales that shock, awe, and inspire unless you’ve experienced them firsthand? In order to bring out your best, most Dickensian work, you must live it. Since we can’t all just get pregnant every time life feels boring,here are some tried-and-true male character tropes that work for any novel you’re trying to complete. These guys have a proven ability to bring out the worst in you, and the best in your currently mediocre novel. Your bestseller awaits – here’s who to date!
1. A Homeless Guy
Your college boyfriend may have been a mooch, but this guy will show you a thing or two about taking advantage of what you have. He’ll eat all of your Chex Mix. And every time you’ll go back to his place under the bridge, you’ll cringe. He’s not in his 20’s anymore – is it too much for him to get his own place? You’ll have enough stories of sleeping on cardboard to last until your first screenplay.
2. A Blind Guy
Your smarmy, beautiful love story will practically write itself. Learn about how beauty comes from within. Make him touch your face a lot. Say things like “Although I’m guiding you, you’re the one who’s guiding me.” Suburban book clubs eat this stuff up. By the time he dumps you for your incessant stereotyping, you’ll already be done novel-typing. Can you say, “Oprah’s seal of approval?”
3. Your ______ Instructor
If you want to write a super sexy novel like Fifty Shades of Grey, then this is a textbook method of getting there. Besides, the literary sphere needs more karate class erotica.
4. A Guy With Amnesia
Get ready to endure some emotional hardship! This one will be a real tearjerker, especially that sex scene in which he’s profoundly confused and walks out in the middle of sex, looking for his mother. He’ll leave you with 50,000 words’ worth of emotional turmoil. Classic!
5. A Guy Who Lives With His Mother
Oh, how you’ll try to get him to grow up. And oh, how that year of having sex in his basement will fill your lexicon with new vocabulary words for “foul-smelling.” On the plus side, there’s always milk in the fridge!
6. Your Stepbrother
It’s the classic Marcia and Greg Brady complex! C’mon —that scene when you discuss just how wrong it is practically writes itself.
7. A Non-English-Speaking Man
The language of love is universal, but sometimes you think he’s saying, “I want to take you home,”and he’s really saying, “I’m hungry, and by the way, I have terrible irritable bowel syndrome.” A modern twist on a classic!
8. An Imaginary Guy
This relationship will take place entirely in the narrator’s mind, showing your most desperate separation from reality to date. The heartbreaking reveal will likely include that time he didn’t show up with flowers on your birthday, but you had an entire conversation with him, anyway. Imaginary guys are the worst. This guy will teach you to be an independent lady, if not entirely sane —another Oprah Book Club sensation!
After checking these guys off your list, you’ll be at the top of another kind of list: the New York Times Best Sellers! Just make sure to go get yourself tested – for being a genius!