Attention all beach bums! The days are getting longer, the sun is shining, and it’s time for sun and surf. But sometimes it can be hard to find cute swimsuits that create the illusion of a conventionally attractive human body. Never fear! Here are the hottest swimsuits this season that will fit any body type except for yours.
1. Small Chest, but not in your weird way:
The ruffles on this bikini will help add some oomph to your chest area, but I wouldn’t count on it working miracles for your small, unwieldy breasts. Not even padding can fix those.
2. Large-Chested? Come on.
I mean, your boobs like kind of big from some angles…but, like, not in a good way. Don’t kid yourself.
3. Hourglass-shaped, technically.
It’s within the realm of possibility that this black ruched one-piece would be flattering on you! You have a relatively smallish waist, compared to whatever else is going on with your body. This wrap-front swimsuit would be perfect for an hourglass-shaped figure like yours, theoretically—except yours is more like an hourglass that went through the dishwasher.
4. Broad Shoulders, which might actually…
Ugh, no, now your shoulders look TOO narrow. Your misshapen crone body is just not meant for commercial wears!
You thought you were special, huh? Thought you could escape? Nice try! You can try to hide it with this classic, vintage-inspired halter, but deep down, they’ll know. They’ll all know.
A soft floral print can add some softness to a muscular frame, and ruffle details do wonders for creating the illusion of curves. Unfortunately, you only played one season of Ultimate Frisbee in college, leaving you with neither muscles nor curves.
7. Pear-shaped! This seems fine.
With a fun halter-top that draws the eye upward while providing full coverage for a wider bottom, this suit is perfect for thicker-hipped ladies like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Beyoncé, or…your mom. Oh god, it’s finally happened. You have your mother’s body. It’s in your genes. You are turning into her. You are her and she is you. There is no escape. YOU’RE GOING TO MARRY A MAN NAMED TIM!
8. Something adventurous!
Yeah, right. You couldn’t pull this off.