Confrontation is hard. When you’ve got a roommate disaster on your hands, the best way to get her to leave is by telling her nothing at all. You’ll rest easy knowing you didn’t have to be the one to break the news with these passive-aggressive tricks:
1. Sigh a lot – Audible exasperation will let her know you’re unhappy. She’ll probably ask “What’s wrong?” To which you should reply, “Nothing.”
2. Leave Notes – Express yourself! But do it indirectly. Write down the things that bother you and leave them around for her to read.
3. Slam Doors – This allows you to be both loud and physically aggressive at the same time. After a few good door slams, she’ll soon realize that she’s done something wrong, and you’ll finally get your alone time.
4. Have Consistent, Ridiculously Loud Sex – She’ll probably lose sleep and feel like a prisoner in her own room. She’ll be embarrassed to bring it up, and she’ll quietly leave on her own.
5. Always Leave A Dump in the Toilet – It’ll be real gross. Later explain that you think you might be “really sick.”
6. Pack Up Her Stuff – Put her things in boxes. She’ll see that her stuff is no longer out. Finally you can both be at peace.
7. Become Suddenly Allergic To Her – Start having an allergic reaction to her products, belongings, and personality. It sucks, but there’s nothing you can do about it so she’ll eventually get the idea that she’s got to go. The two of you living together is clearly hazardous to your health.