Yeah, yeah, yeah––Mother Teresa was wise. But she was also a woman, which means she was (and in some ways, still is) my natural competition. Even following her ascension to Heaven, she has used her sainthood to prey on our men, throw shade on our life choices, and piss on our dignity. Bottom line: she’s just like all the other scheme-y bitches out there, and I don’t trust her one bit.
“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
Nobody can possibly like smiles this much, not even a literal messenger of God’s love. I’ll tell you what Mother Teresa does like, though: bossing people around. How about this, Teresa? I’ll crack a smile when holier-than-thou madonnas like you step off the pulpit for half a second. Do less.
“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.”
You read that right. Blessed Teresa of Calcutta basically announced to the world that she was DTF, anytime, any place. Classy. My boyfriend has totally thought about it, too, and how can I blame him? She’s essentially grinding her pious, predatory ass into his eye sockets.
“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”
Let me translate. Here, Mother Teresa is saying, “I’m as thin as a toothpick, and I’ve never had to give up carbs, so I don’t know how truly torturous the hunger for bread can be! Blessed!!!” Good for you, bony-ass bitch, but real women like me put in work to be this fit. Eat your little Cinnabon, eat your little deep-dish pizzas, eat whatever you want – just don’t shove it in my face.
“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today.”
Soooo original and cute, T – except isn’t this a lyric from Jonathan Larson’s Rent? Busted. I could totally think up something better (or at least quote Rent accurately), yet for some reason SHE’S the one who’s beatified. Like, okay. See you at the Big Karaoke Battle in the Sky, sister.
“Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them.”
So, what, my annual purchase of Girl Scout cookies isn’t enough? I should just up and give a bunch more to people in need? I’m sorry, but just because Mother Teresa has a Nobel Peace Prize doesn’t mean she can expect me to give and give and give until I’m canonized. Bitch, I have a life.
“Joy is a net of love in which you can catch souls.”
I literally LOLed at this. Is she reading magnetic poetry from her refrigerator? Mother T likes to spew Grade A Nonsense in hopes that we’ll get confused and assume it’s because she’s way smarter than the rest of us. But look a little closer, and you’ll see her goody-two-shoes fodder for what it is: F-A-K-E.
“Our life of poverty is as necessary as the work itself.”
Here’s the thing, M.T. I work really, really hard – not dolling out blessings, mind you, but doing legit work. And if, at the end of a long day, I want a pint of Talenti or a pricey treat from malestrippers.com, I should be able to indulge without feeling bad. Take your guilt trip and your attitude somewhere else. This is why I only have guy friends – less drama.
If you thought that Mother Teresa was better than the rest of the floozies out there, then you thought wrong. Keep your men on lock down and your head held high – it’s not insignificant that, in the book of Genesis, women are the root of all sin, and so is that bitch, Mother Teresa.