“We’re breaking up,” “I quit,” “I’m pregnant:” these are conversations you should obviously be having when you’re drunk. But there are so many more you could be having! Here are seven talks we recommend initiating sometime between martini #5 and pukie #1.
“I’m Going Back to School”
You’re pushing 30 and going back to school for an online degree in marketing to help your blog, like, do better? Wait until you’re drunk to let everyone know your plans, gauge the reaction, and try to remember their awkward looks the next morning!
“Mom, I Need Money””
It’s Christmas. Everyone is pleasantly wine drunk. You’ve just given your parents a framed pencil doodle you made because you’re poor as fuck. Now is the perfect time to put your head on her shoulder and say in a tiny voice “Mom, I need money.” She’ll be transferring funds between your still-linked bank accounts faster than you can say ‘I lurvvvve you guys.’
“Something Weird Happened to Me When I Was a Kid”
That time your friend’s uncle grabbed your thigh on Easter. When you found your dad’s weed and just never said anything. It’s always on the tip of your tongue. You want to tell someone basically always but it’s not quite worth the cost of therapy. Just spill it to your buds after three margaritas. Same catharsis for a fraction of the cost!
“Let’s Start a Business Together!”
We both have the same idea for an app that tracks how many steps you didn’t walk today? Hahaha, good, let me Venmo you this $3K in capital right after I finish this tall boy and get up off the floor. You won’t regret it.
“There’s Been an Accident”
You killed someone’s dog. The place was robbed while you were housesitting. Whatever it is, pound a few beers before you have to deliver that news. “Something happened” is always easier to say when you won’t remember saying it.
“I Think There’s Something Wrong With Me”
This conversation is easiest to start in bed, just as you’re both about to drift off to sleep. Whether you just met or you’ve been together for years, definitely wait until your drunk to drop this vague bomb.
“I Had a Dream About You and I Can’t Stop Thinking About It”
Whether it’s a sex dream about a coworker or a murder dream about your dog, wait until you’re hammered to talk about your nocturnal fantasies/terrors. It’s much easier to cope with no one giving a shit when you’re four shots deep.
Next time you find yourself half in the bag, dive in head-first with a statement that you can never, ever take back.