You’ve done it, girlfriend: You finally settled for the man of your dreams! Not the dreams where you’re sky-diving or saving the world, but the dreams where for some reason you’re washing a never-ending stack of dishes or vacuuming Oreo crumbs off the sofa. You’ve spent years being conscious of his wants and needs in order to lure him into a commitment, and now you can finally stop pretending! Here are seven considerate behaviors you can give up now that you’ve finally tied the knot:
1. Sharing the covers.
Yes, “sharing is caring,” but now that you share address, a last name, and a set of engraved tableware, it’s time to literally roll yourself up in 100% of the covers and let him fend for himself for once.
Legs, armpits, and the patchy fuzzy hair on your upper lip might have seemed unsexy before, but now you can think of them as prickly little briar patches that say, “You’re stuck with me.” Also, say goodbye to razor burn.
3. Holding in your farts.
If your new husband believed in the myth that women don’t fart, it’s time to blow that idea right out the window. Literally. With your farts. Now you can feel free to rip one in the kitchen, the shower, and especially in bed.
4. Remembering his birthday.
But don’t ever let him forget your anniversary.
5. Pretending his snoring is “cute.”
You didn’t want him to feel self-conscious, but strong marriages are based on honesty, so you need to admit that this is ruining every aspect of your marriage. If he still defends his nocturnal nose sirens as a simple idiosyncrasy, tell him that this isn’t what you’ve signed up for and he’ll be running to the doctor to get that surgery ASAP.
6. Acting like you care about his family.
You’ve lost countless hours liking every one of his nieces, nephews, and distant-cousin’s baby pictures on Facebook. But from now on, the only time you’re willing to sit through a conversation about his mother’s hip problems is when it ends with her giving you a check for that new tiling you really need. Remember: You are just coasting now.
7. Remembering his name.
All that pressure to call out the right name during sex is no longer an issue. Call him “babe” until you forget his real name entirely, as long you keep it written down somewhere for tax purposes.