7 Bachelorette Party Themes That Aren’t So Fucking Dumb, Maureen

Face Shape - Reductress

Sex And The City? Really, Maureen? Let me guess, we wear heels and drink cosmos. Sometimes you make me want to actually barf, Maureen, you really do, and not because I’m drunk or having a bulimia relapse. Step aside, wannabe. Let a real woman plan this bitch.

 

1. Shakespeare! Everyone dresses as her favorite Shakespearean heroine (dibs on Ophelia with flowers). Speak in iambic pentameter on the way the club. Wear a mask to the club. Try to avoid the ghost of anyone you’ve murdered at the club. At the end of the night we each do a shot of “poison”. The extra-fun part is someone’s shot has actual poison in it!

 

2. Virginia Woolf! Love is even more beautifully romantic under the shadowy spectra of death, and Jen is only getting once. Unlike you, Maureen. Or don’t you think I remember spring break junior year when you drunkenly drove to Vegas and got married to that waiter? Because I do remember, Maureen. I remember.

 

3. Coven! Inspired by: American Horror Story: Coven, obviously. Wear Little Black Dresses and black everything else. Only black, please. Cast spells. Gouge our eyes out. Finish the night by being burned at the stake. BURN!

 

4. Nature! Let’s get naked, amirite Jen? Not you, Maureen.

 

 

5. Asylum! Again, inspired by the hit FX anthology show. Cannot even get enough. We check ourselves into a chic spa/mental hospital for the night, and the first one to escape gets to be Maid of Honor!

 

6. Loneliness! Because you are never going to find someone, Maureen, and I don’t understand why Jen even made you her MOH. Just because you’ve known each other longer? Hello, it’s called “growing up”. Jen and I have matching tattoos. Matching fucking tattoos, Maureen. Just die.

 

7. Connie Britton! OMG LUV HER.

 

Do you get it now, Maureen? How woefully pathetic your SATC idea was and is and will always be? I bet your style icon is Audrey Hepburn and you and your mom read Eat, Pray, Love together. And I don’t see what Jen sees in you. And I don’t get why I’m not Maid of Honor because seriously I would make this shit fucking perfect.

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