Are you tired of the lame-ass, confusing, or nonexistent responses from the spirits you contact through your Ouija board? Are the specters you’ve been channeling kind of…not dope? Are the hexes cast upon your enemies getting lamer and less effective with each dawning of the blood moon? Sometimes not getting satisfying stuff out of a Ouija board is simply because you don’t quite know how to use it! Here are six ways to hack your Ouija board and get some quality knowledge from chill ghosts at your next séance! Tight!
Fuck Latin Chants, Freestyle Rap
Even Catholic people roll their eyes at using Latin during a Ouija session, what makes you think the slightly less-scary spirit world doesn’t? They don’t understand Latin any better than you do. Why would you use Latin to try and channel your deceased Grandpa from Maine? Instead of speaking in hushed, sacred tones, tell your weird friends to make a beat and rap your questions! Damn! Spitting fire JUST like demons do!
Stop Asking About Old People
Okay, we get it, Grampy died and you miss him. Big whoop! He may have been your first and closest friend, but face it: He’s boring as fuck! Old people are tired after living for so long, so they never do cool stuff like make things levitate or make the walls bleed. And they never answer, anyways—they can’t friggen hear you! Plus, Ouija use is a bit different than wishing upon a star. This is the realm of demonry and spiritual chaos! You don’t want Grampy giving you lectures about the dangers of sorcery, you want to see a Civil War ghost get blown the fuck up. Forget about tender messages from old folks and keep your eyes on the prize—cool ghosts.
For Maximum Chill Ghosts, Start Your Séance at 4:20
It’s 4:20 somewhere—in the afterlife! This is one of the more unknown tricks to get chill ghosts to respond to your channeling. Light some incense, play a little Sublime on your Jambox, and you just might summon a phantom named Turner who takes forever to respond coherently and smells like Doritos! This is the perfect kind of spirit if you’re looking for a ghost who can hang out and not do anything too spooky. He may be cryptic and pretentiously equivocal, but damn is he funny! Invite him to your backyard half-pipe and watch him do sick ollies—he gets mad air now that he’s a ghost.
Be a Generous Host
If you want to connect with a tall, robed, British-accented ghost who demands your eternal service in exchange for one wish but also knows all the good indie bands, you gotta make a good first impression. Wraiths put high stock in good manners and cordial pleasantries. You know what you gotta do: Offer up Fido as a worthy sacrifice. Sure, it may be sad, but here’s the thing—it’s nothing compared to the social ostracism from the cool ghost crowd you’d have to endure should you rub this powerful spirit the wrong way. You know what they say—Hell hath no fury like the demon you just insulted with your poor manners!
Be Open to Talking With Satan About Whatever Weird Shit He’s Into This Month
There may come a time in the night where everything is working out and you’re intuitively awakening the dominion of the dead, with Lucifer himself making a cameo appearance. That’s a good get! Just don’t get starstruck! He’s been known to probe your most sensitive emotional pressure points, so just answer honestly about whatever he’s obsessed with lately: puberty drama, buying in bulk, intellectual property law in the internet age, whatever. He doesn’t bite! (Well actually, he does bite. Idk, he’s the devil, just be cool.)
Don’t Get Weird When Things Get Weird
If your skin starts to bubble, tighten your grip on your séance partner’s hand and get ready for the ride. Show no fear when your nose bleeds and teeth start to fall out—it’s all part of the unique beauty of contacting the netherworld! Exciting! Don’t wig out and ruin the party like the time you and your friends tried shrooms. You’re a cool-ass bitch who talks to ghosts! Holler!
Just Have Fun With It!
People pick up on your vibes, especially dead people. If you’re having fun, they’re having fun! Be yourself, laugh at what’s funny, and cry only when commanded to do so. If you take yourself too seriously, the spirit world will deem you unworthy of its guidance and leave you without answers, or in the presence of a very dull apparition (like a drunk old sailor or your dead pet hermit crab). No thanks!
With those tips in mind, we’re confident you’ll be able to have a much chiller convocation between the physical and incorporeal world. Happy summoning!