New York Superfudge Chunk with Tears
You moved to the big city after college feeling like your whole life was ahead of you. Five years have passed, and you’re still sharing an apartment with a person you met on Craigslist whose always-there boyfriend uses more electricity than you do. Your job with that start-up that’s only paying you in equity doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, either. The prospect of moving back in with your parents is starting to seem like a good idea. Tackle life’s super chunks with a good cry and some ice cream.
Peanut Butter Tears
When you were a kid, your parents would lovingly pack your lunch each morning before you’d head off to school. Your dad would always cut the crusts off your sandwiches, and your mom would write a note on a Post-it note. Your weekday lunches are now eaten at your desk alone as you hurriedly struggle to complete that spreadsheet before your next meeting. Why not have some cried-on ice cream instead?
Rocky Road Made with Real Tears
You and Matt went on a road trip together last summer, and it was the best two weeks of your life. He told you he loved you for the first time as you laid under the stars that night you camped at the Grand Canyon. A month after you got back, he went out to get you both bagels. You never saw him again after that. Rocky road is a great flavor of ice cream for human saline on top.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough with Extra Tears
Remember how you and Gram Gram used to bake cookies together Sunday afternoons throughout your childhood? Gram Gram died a year ago. Think about how you disappointed her by living in sin with your last boyfriend while hoovering a pint of CCCDET right out of the carton. Forget about how much money you saved by splitting the rent; think only about how she’ll never see you walk down the aisle until your spoon hits cardboard.
Dark Chocolate Super Tear Chunk
Enhance the flavor profile of this decadent flavor with your tears to yield that oh-so-trendy combo of sweet and savory. The darker the chocolate the better, as its accompanying bitterness echoes how you feel about all of your close friends getting married soon while you’re still struggling to go on a date with someone who isn’t named Ben or Jerry or Haagen.
Pistachio Moaning Sobs
This one’s just common sense: Nuts taste way better with salt. And we’re not talking about a man’s balls, which you haven’t encountered in the flesh for eleven months. Taking the pill was such a waste. Lament over the time you’ve spent worrying about “pregnancies” with each tear-filled spoonful.