Whether it’s the result of a poor diet, elevated stress levels, or you’re just gross, one thing’s for sure: having gas stinks! What’s worse than having to spend all day with a bubbling tummy making you feel bloated, uncomfortable, and downright bleh. It might feel like there’s nothing you can do, but there is! Compiled below are six handy farts you can use to help alleviate some of that nasty trapped gas! Give these a try, and relax knowing that the bloat is about to abate. Now, say it with us: Let ‘em rip!
“Da Classic”
This fart is such an American institution, it’s no wonder Norman Rockwell was so fond of images of families squeezing out “Da Classic” by a woodstove or while praying. It’s a simple-but-powerful fart that even your frail old grandma can use to remove gas from her body—and you better believe she does! Sit down in a big, cozy chair, lean to your right, hold your breath, and clench your core muscles. Before you know it, you’ve tooted! Gas gone! Doesn’t that feel better?
The Groan of the Beast
Here’s where things start to get a little more advanced. This fart requires a lot of patience, but once accomplished, your gas will be eliminated. You’re gonna need to use some of your gluteal muscles, as The Groan is a slow-release, deep-seated booty-bomb. Once the gaseous disturbance makes its initial exit from the colon, position yourself in such a way that there is a clear opening for the gas to escape, but enough of a clothing filter so as not to totally stank up the place. The resulting fart should be low in pitch and possess a haunting tone, like it resonated from a dark cave deep in the woods. That’ll be your signal that the gas has left your body. Ahhh, sweet relief!
The “Houston, We Have a Fart”
This one is self-explanatory. It doesn’t look pretty, but it certainly expels that gas straight into the stratosphere! As soon as you start to feel bloated, sit down on the ground, lean back, hook your hands behind your knees, and 3, 2, 1—we have liftoff! Once you use the Houston We Have a Fart fart, you’ll feel lighter than if you were really on the moon!
The Turkish Delight
This is one of our favorites. Delicate, pillowy, and dry, it’s probably the most pleasant all-around farts. Take your time with this little toot. It doesn’t get rid of gas as well as some of the others, but it will certainly save you from the embarrassment of asking your friends to leave the room while you de-bloat your intestines. Simply part your legs and let a small stream of air out little by little. (Fun fact: This is the only fart allowed in Buckingham Palace.)
The Bubble Slide
This is the only silent fart on the list, making it one of the most valued tushy ticklers known to science. This gas-eraser occurs when you’re sitting firmly in a chair or stool with a well-fitting pair of pants on. The air pocket is released noiselessly between your cheeks and, needing to escape your properly-sized and belted pants, finds the narrow band of oxygen formed by your cheek cleavage and ascends its length toward fresh air. The successful final product should feel odd but undeniably satisfying in regards to alleviating gas.
The Ancient Mist
This delicate toot has stood the test of time. Earthy in aroma, lengthy in duration, and soft in tone, it has been compared to the hum that emanates from the ruins of Machu Picchu. One must train diligently to actualize this poot, but the reward will exceed your wildest expectations. Not only does it eliminate gas, but smelling this fart can actually connect you with the positive energy in the atmosphere. Good vibes and no gas? Hell yeah.
So no matter what you’ve got cookin’ in the oven, any of these six bottom-pops should do the trick. Good luck and happy honking!
