The seemingly endless Hillary Clinton email scandal has really made you think about how shady your own inbox is, especially when it comes to those late-night emails you sent to Stephen. Sure, James Comey has cleared Hillary’s remaining emails, but it’s only fair that national attention be brought to your very real and definitely damning emails to Stephen. Here’s what you sent that are far more damning than anything that Hillary ever sent:
A Link to an Arcade Fire Music Video From When You Were Pretending to Be a Fan
Evidence of pandering has never been clearer than in this message you sent when you and Stephen were first dating. “This has always been one of my favorites :)” you wrote, even though you didn’t watch all the way through. Let’s just hope WikiLeaks never gets a hold of this one!
A Single Frowny Face at 3AM
What were you thinking when you sent a vague symbol of disapproval while Stephen was sleeping beside you? Didn’t you realize you would have to answer for it in the morning? Whatever it was, it would probably be enough to disqualify you from political office.
Seven Paragraphs About Your Abandonment Issues Sent When He Was in the Hospital
While he was unconscious, you told the nearly complete story of your childhood to explain why he should always respond to your texts within an hour. The worst part is, you knew he was scheduled for surgery. It’s a clear sign of the disintegration of the Republican party that you still haven’t been convicted of anything.
“I Miss You Even Tho I Hate You”
After reading this email sent two hours after you got into a fight about whether or not Bob’s Burgers is good, it would be impossible for anyone, Republican or Democrat, to support your candidacy for public office. Listen: is that James Comey at your door?
Nine Consecutive Emails Saying, “WHERE ARE YOU”
Sending nine separate emails because you didn’t get a response as soon as you wanted is incriminating behavior that, unlike anything Hillary Clinton has done, probably violates some kind of law. If you were the current Democratic nominee, this would probably clinch it for Trump.
When You Mentioned an Arcade Fire Concert You Thought He Might Want to Go to Three Months After You Broke Up
You’d fool no one at the FBI with this pseudo-casual attempt at getting back together. It’s way more damaging to your character than those Wall Street speech transcripts. You should probably wipe your server clean—if only you knew how.
If the FBI continues to pursue the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, they should have locked you up years ago. And that’s before they even see your text messages.