Everyone knows they should be eating salad for lunch, but few of us drum up the courage to actually do it. Since you want people to believe you are a picture of health, here are five ways to keep people distracted while you pretend that you ate salad for lunch:
1. “Excuse me, I gotta put this bowl for my salad away.”
Having a salad accessory like a bowl is a great way to pretend you ate a salad. Not only is it physical evidence of a past salad, but you can also pull it out quickly in case of an emergency.
“Did you just eat the 10 pizzas for the company party?”
You: “Did I—what? Excuse me, I gotta put this bowl for my salad away.”
“Wow. Hey, everybody, she ate a salad for lunch. I have made a mistake.”
2. “You have to try this dressing I used on my salad.”
Salad dressing implies that you not only ate a salad for lunch today, but also generally eat salads for lunch. Be sure to go for vinaigrette, or else people will doubt your commitment to salad (and think you’re into those nasty/tasty cream-based dressings).
“I am fairly sure you stole brownies from the bake sale.”
You: “I—what? You have to try this dressing I used on my salad.”
“As I live and breathe! I can see now you ate a salad for lunch.”
3. “Do you want this bread? It came with my salad.”
Using this trick, you not only imply that you ate salad, but that you’re too full from your salad. Keep everyone guessing as to how!
“Did you eat my entire birthday cake?”
You: “Birthday what? Do you want this bread? It came with my salad.”
“How can someone get full from salad? You are so delicate and lovely. Maybe I never had a birthday cake to begin with.”
4. “Oof, apologies if I have salad breath. It’s probably from my salad.”
A little apology to throw off the trail, and an invitation to come closer and smell you? Fair warning, you may find a husband out of this one!
“You smell like dead animals.”
You: “Oof, apologies if I have salad breath. It’s probably from my salad.”
“You have clearly eaten salad and are healthier than I thought. Marry me?”
5. “Sorry, what was that? I totally have salad on the brain because of my lunch, which was salad.”
This is the ultimate salad-girl move. Daydreaming of future salads indicates that you’re incapacitated by a love of salad. You totally eat salad. You are the salad Queen. No one will ever doubt you again.
“Did you hear me? I said I want a divorce.”
You: “Sorry, what was that? Totally have salad on the brain because of my lunch, which was salad.”
“This is the problem.”
Eating salad regularly is a difficult lifestyle choice, but it doesn’t have to be if you just lie about it! Now you can enjoy shame-eating your bacon.