With the ever-growing number of social media platforms providing us endless ways to connect, it can be difficult to keep everyone’s eyes on you. Instead of making a basic attention-grab like getting clear plastic frames or chalking your hair purple, go above and beyond and try a classic move, the fainting spell, to recapture the spotlight. Medical emergencies are an undeniable way to shift the focus back to you, so here are five ways to pass out for attention:
1. Become a delicate empath. Empaths feel emotions and energies so strongly that it sometimes physically pains them to stay upright. If you can give a shit about someone so hard that your head starts to spin, you have the chance to emote your way right into a blackout. If you feel like Tracy’s dog’s death is getting a little too much attention, find something sad to look at and you’ll awaken on the sidewalk, surrounded by concerned strangers with makeshift fans. People will at last see the tragic talents of your beautiful soul.
2. Head trauma. Mild to moderate head injuries can’t stop the popularity of professional sports, but they can work for you! Remember Omarosa from the first season of The Apprentice? Remember how she exaggerated her head injury to pull ahead? Head injuries never fail to bring in at least three “Get well, gorgeous!” texts. We recommend standing under a poorly balanced vase, next to a sign that says “DANGER! Men Working Above,” or behind any particularly strong little leaguer who’s up to bat. The crowd will love you when you’re hurt!
3. Drop it low (it = blood sugar). This one is simple: Forget to eat forever. If you can maintain the delicate balance between low blood sugar and full-blown diabetes, you’ll be on the verge of passing out for the rest of your life. Nothing is more effective than well-timed hypoglycemia to make a girl feel special. Not even learning to play guitar like Mindy. Sweet bonus: You’ll develop a nice collection of treats from strangers sacrificing their purse snacks to keep you conscious.
4. Actually use your gym pass. What’s sexier than a girl working out so hard, she passes out right on the elliptical? This is a great opportunity to get that hot trainer to notice you. He’ll be baby-feeding you a protein smoothie on the floor of the weight room before you can even say, “Where am I?” If you’re exhausted (and lucky) enough, they’ll send you to the hospital for an afternoon of TV, IV’s, and “OMG I’m in the hospital!” Instagrams. Those balloons may deflate after a few days, but this attention rush will last you at least a week!
5. Remember that the earth doesn’t actually revolve around you. When you remember that, you’ll deliver the most riveting faint of your life.
Never dull your shine for anyone, especially not the EMTs!
