Sylvia Plath once said, “Wear your heart on your skin in this life.” She must’ve really dug guys with tattoos. We can relate – we’d stick our heads in an oven because of how tired we are of inked boys constantly staring at their own body art and ignoring us. Here are some fun tips to keep your tatted babe focused on you:
1. Shove a nail through your septum.
If you already have a septum piercing, great. If not, this might get a little bloody. On the bright side, thing of all the cool things you can shove in there once it’s pierced! You can make little figurines out of Q-tips and shove them through the hole. Making your face into a continuous puppet show is sure to keep his interest.
2. Light matches.
Fire! He loves fire. Speed-light matches one after the other. Be warned, he might try to catch the fireballs, since he’s clearly into burning pain. Protect him from himself and he will love you forever. Every time the flame dies down he will become instantly distracted. Light another one. Worst-case scenario: his awful Bushwick loft apartment goes up in flames, and he’ll actually have to come to your furnished, heated apartment once in a while.
3. Kick over his wolf lamp.
He might cry a little. He got that thing after his dad left and his wolf spirit animal became his symbolic father. Also, it reminds him of his multiple wolf tattoos. Kick it over and you’ll have at least five minutes of him talking to you about it while he picks up the pieces rather than staring at the yet to be filled in anchor-head shark on his forearm.
4. Draw pictures of knives.
Normally I would say guns, but let’s be honest: knives are way easier to draw. You can pull off five to ten quick knife drawings in less than two minutes. He may try to make little cut outs and “play stab” you. This is exactly what you want your relationship to be with this grown juvenile delinquent—exciting, interactive, and slightly frustrating.
5. Make a mini crossbow.
Using popsicle sticks, hair clips, twine and whatever else you have in your craft box, you can make a miniature version of those medieval weapons he’s so interested in. You can use it to shoot tiny items across the room, or softer items directly at his face. He will always have to turn back to you for the source of the gum or straw wrappers.
If all else fails, you can always dump him. Unless he’s one of those trust fundies in disguise, in which case, just get an infinity symbol on your wrist and hang in there.