You know your crush notices you! He always says “hi” when you say hi to him and really seems to like you on a deep, personal level. Plus, he’s just a really good guy, you know? Rumor has it that he thinks you’re the prettiest, smartest, most wonderful girl in the school – but one question remains: Does he know that you’re insane? Here are our tips on how to draw his attention to the fact that you are completely, bat-shit crazy:
1. Whenever he says “hi,” over-eagerly respond “GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?!” and then turn around and run cackling down the halls. Then come back, apologize for being so weird today, and give him a dead mouse from your supplier.
2. When he sadly says that his goldfish died on Facebook, message him immediately to say that you’re here to talk anytime, then insist on buying him a new goldfish immediately. Run to his house and offer to present him with the goldfish but only if he says the seven magic words: “Will you marry me? Just kidding.” Then give him the new goldfish, which you will also kill when the time is right.
3. Immediately after the light goes on in his bedroom, emerge from the bushes, and ring his doorbell wearing only a five o’clock shadow you drew on with 99 cent eyebrow pencil and a bad attitude. Soon after he opens the door and says he’s “so happy to see you!” find and make out with his younger brother. As you do it, tell your crush’s brother, within your crush’s earshot, “I WANT TO MARRY YOU, JUST KIDDING.” Go find your crush’s new goldfish Sparkles II’s fishbowl and drink all the water out. Gargle. Repeat.
4. Make your crush’s loser brother fall in love with you and propose. After you invite your heartbroken crush to your upcoming Las Vegas wedding, text him to say that you’re really in love with him and would love to get coffee, but first he must guess who killed Sparkles I and II (hint: she’s touching his shoes right now!). Break off your engagement to his brother. Join their mother’s book group, then kidnap his mother and send your crush notes on toilet paper using a tampon dipped in red ink, saying if he ever wants to see his mother again he needs to watch four episodes of Hannah Montana – the good ones. If he does not, you will kiss him.
5. If your crush still REFUSES to think you’re insane NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, be bold, girl! Cover his locker with photos of his kidnapped mother sleeping. Enlist your ex (who’s obsessed with you – to the point that it’s getting kind of sad, you know?) to help you. When your crush catches you, and says, “Why, God, why? I’m in love with you! I’ve always been in love with you, can’t you see?” Scream in his face: “I’m INSANE, YOU IDIOT!” Make sure to get a lot of spit flecks all over his face, preferably with a little food mixed in, too. Then start crying and say, “It’s just been a really hard past three minutes, okay?”
IF HE STILL DOESN’T NOTICE YOU’RE INSANE — ditch him, honey! He doesn’t deserve you, or your Love*.
*Love is in the name of your dead mouse supplier. Nice guy.