It feels like forever ago that you first spotted that blue-eyed cutie thoughtfully inspecting a cut of pork at the Whole Foods meat counter. Who’d have known that that chance encounter would have led to a deep, passionate, mutually fulfilling year of you stalking him? You were made to be his wife, his lover, his number one source of fear. But try as you might, you just can’t seem to get that pesky restraining order appealed. What’s a girl to do? We’ve got some simple tactics that are sure to keep you in his thoughts and out of the crime blotter.
Change your hairstyle. Anyone who’s ever been a woman knows that the best way to be noticed is to get a snazzy makeover. But you can’t get close enough for him to appreciate an edgy asymmetrical bob or smoldering red ombré. You’re gonna have to do something he’ll be able to see from across the parking lot. Go bold – and shave those long locks right off. Don’t forget to apply a good moisturizer afterward. It won’t be long before your unwitting soulmate spots a glimmer on the horizon as sunlight beams off your head, and he thinks to himself, “Who is that bald woman glaring at me in the distance? Oh no, it’s Kimberly.”
Start a small fire. They say absence is to love what wind is to fire – and speaking of fires, arson is a handy go-to for catching his eye from afar. On an evening when you know he’s home, take a match to that giant oak that overlooks his bedroom window. You know, the one you two were standing beneath when he told you, “For the hundredth time, you and I are NOT a couple!” While he’s racing to grab his most valuable possessions and preparing to evacuate, he will glimpse out his window and lock eyes with you as you stand next to the blazing tree with your gasoline can. Mission accomplished – he’s looking at you!
Put him right where you want him. Send your eternal love an instructional book on Morse code along with a flashlight and directions to wait at his bedroom window Saturday night at 7:13. Then, use this opportunity to catch him off-guard by breaking in through his back door. This is technically in violation of your legal restraint, but what are they going to do? Put you back to behind bars? If stalking and harassing the man you want to father your children is wrong, then you don’t want to be right!
Send your never-before-mentioned twin sister in your place. You may not be allowed within half a football field of him, but the judge didn’t say anything about your identical twin, “Timberly.” Have Timberly meet your future hubs when he gets out of work and tell him she comes in peace with a message from you. Have her explain he needs to stop fighting his feelings and that the boundaries of the law will only make love stronger. Timberly always was the more persuasive one. She was also the best at kidnapping.
Kidnap his sister. Maybe he hasn’t been noticing you. But we bet he’ll notice that his only sister’s gone missing. Leave a flirty note behind to point him in the right direction:
I have your sister. If you want her back, I guess you’ll finally have to call me LOL
Just remember that the greatest tales of romance usually involve overcoming great distances. Don’t let the threat of jail time stand in the way of true love.