Cinco de Mayo is almost here! Soon you’ll be eating chips and queso, dancing the night away and drinking so much you think you can speak Spanish. How will you celebrate this momentous day of cultural appropriation? By dressing the part, of course! Here are five vaguely Mexican dresses that you’ll promptly ruin with a big splash of barf.
Vintage Black Eyelet Lace Off Shoulder Embroidered Mexican Flare Dress
(Unique Vintage, $110)
This adorable and casual shin-length dress is perfect for showing off your shoulders at a laidback Cinco de Mayo block party. Whether you’re dancing to a mariachi band or taking a blind, drunk swing at a piñata, this dress screams, “I have no idea why we’re celebrating!” The extra fabric at the neckline will come in handy when you use it as a napkin to catch the last shot of barf spewing back out of your mouth.
Floral print maxi dress (Charlotte Russe, $25)
This floral-patterned dress from Charlotte Russe works for both day and night so you can have a fiesta for a straight 12 hours. As you attempt the cha-cha on the dance floor and make yourself dizzy, you’ll be glad the red flower pattern on your dress matches the red salsa you threw up earlier.
Printed Maxi Dress (Charlotte Russe, $20)
Are you the modest type, but still want to give yourself alcohol poisoning? Then this long-sleeve maxi dress is your new go-to! Accessorize with chunky wedges and a few ambiguously foreign floral hairpieces and you’ll be ready for a night out on the town. When you inevitably feel you stomach start to turn, simply vomit straight down the inside of this one and nobody will be the wiser!
Crochet Tunic Dress with Fringing (ASOS, $64)
This flirty fringe number is sure to impress! The fringe will sway seductively as you try to steady your balance against your friend Karen while the waiter at the Mexican restaurant calls you sexy nicknames like mamacita and puntas borracha. Aww! When it comes time to taste that Pollo Ranchero a second time, fear not! This dress could use some color anyway and thankfully your green, white and red chunks will show honor for the colors of the Mexican flag!
Sophie Cold Shoulder Bell Sleeve Dress (Boohoo.com, $26)
This cold shoulder sleeve dress puts a new spin on the off-the-shoulder look. Pair this dark navy blue dress with a straw-colored sombrero will create an authentically offensive “Mexican” look that will not get any better when you announce to the bar that you think you’re 1/16 Hispanic. The dark color and tight cuff of these sleeves make them great at holding all that extra bile!
With any of these dresses you’re sure to be the highlight of your Cinco de Mayo celebration. Cómo se dice, “This dress needs dry cleaning”?