5 Things That Will Destroy Your Marriage Besides Also He Never Loved You

Statistically speaking, about 50% of today’s marriages will end in divorce. Divorce can happen for all kinds of reasons, including but not limited to: You specifically just weren’t lovable enough. Here are five scientifically proven things that will destroy your marriage, particularly if your husband never loved you to begin with:

 

You have different religious backgrounds. (Also he never loved you.)                                 

It is pretty common knowledge that heterosexual spouses with different religious backgrounds are three times more likely to divorce within the first five years of marriage. Still, you two don’t need to shoot the shit with the same God to share a life filled with love and good humor. Unless, of course, he just utterly despises the sound of your laugh. Because he never loved you in the first place. That’s something even divine intervention can’t fix.

 

You’re the breadwinner. (Also he frequently “loses his wedding ring.)

If you earn substantially higher wages than your husband, you have a 75% rate of divorce. That rate increases to a startling 90% if said husband can’t seem to keep track of his wedding ring over a long weekend camping trip with his bros, and spikes to a staggering100% if Kassidy the “park ranger” stops by the house to return it while you’re at work.

 

 

You have different sleep schedules (Also, he hated every waking minute spent in your company.)

You and your guy have radically different internal clocks. Like, if Australia tried to marry Eastern Standard Time. Practically speaking, you’re a high-strung, holier-than-thou morning person who manages to make sunrise yoga loud, while he’s a laid-back night owl who prefers to stay up ‘til the wee hours penning Reddit posts under the username Trapt~iN~subUrbia and dreaming of life without you because he never once had any feelings for you other than disdain.

 

You’re way more eager than he is to have kids. (Also, he wants his youth back.)

You’re really ready for a kid, while he’s really, really ready for this summer’s Warped Tour. Statistically, this puts you at an 83% chance of divorce by the time you finish reading this sentence. Despite your differences, you two could still build a happy future together, if he weren’t too busy daydreaming about his glory years of fingerbanging his prom date in the backseat of his ma’s Honda Civic.

 

You have sex less than once a week (because he hates you and your dumb vagina.)

If the frequency of your sexual activity has been on a steady decline, chances are your marriage is unlikely to make it in the long run. This is particularly true if he hates you and your vagina and honestly you’re just lucky he stuck around this long in the first place and maybe you should take some responsibility for setting impossibly high expectations for your happy perfect married life together and fuck your monogrammed towels.

 

After assessing the multitude of risk factors threatening to destroy your marriage, you may feel anxious. That’s great. You may even feel like you’re to blame (after all, he never loved you.) Savor that feeling, and use it as fuel. Remember: with hard work, you could singlehandedly overcome the incredible odds stacked against your marriage—if you can somehow manage to undo the fabric of reality, go back in time, and make him actually love you.

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