5 SoulCycle Instructors Who Don’t Have Buttholes

SoulCycle is one of the hottest fitness trends, and it’s no wonder! Their fun, party-inspired workouts have our bodies looking toned and our souls feeling uplifted. But at the end of the day, it’s their wonderful team of instructors that make SoulCycle so much more than a culty dark room with exercise bikes. Here are five inspiring instructors who have passion and attitude and no butthole whatsoever:

 

Khayla

Born and raised in NorCal, you can find Khayla eating granola on her cheat days and jamming out to the Owl City in her Chill/Cool 6pm class. She loves avos, hates gluten, and doesn’t poop because there is a clean patch of smooth skin where her anus should be. Her motto? “Tap back, kweens!”

 

Gwenda

Originally a professional dancer, Gwenda hails from Cape Cod, which is where she developed a passion for farm-to-table-back-to-farm-back-to-table sustainability! You can catch Gwenda knocking back kombucha and fistfuls of kale chard—but she won’t be pooping it out because Gwenda’s butthole is actually a second bellybutton—kind of a ghost butthole. After all, “you are how you ride!”

 

Sage

Looking for something spicy? Try Sage’s Latin/Hip Hop Fusion for White Mothers class on Wednesdays at 2pm! When Sage isn’t merging mindfulness and exercise in masterful unity, she is pooping out of her eyelids, which is less of a choice and more of a necessity since her butt has no opening. Sage wants to remind you to “Clip in to limitlessness!”

 

 

Chad M.

Who says you can’t cycle to REM? Chad’s 6pm Classic Rock Rager will really help you leave your BS behind on the bike. Fun fact about Chad: He’s scared of spiders (cute!) and his butt is anatomically similar to a Ken doll. We’re not sure how he poops, but we do know he wants you to “trust the wave you’re riding.”

 

Chad W.

A sensitive poet who has literally never not been vegan, even when he was in the womb. Chad W. isn’t a self-proclaimed Gandhi for nothing! Chad teaches us to mindfully practice mindfulness in your mind while peacefully protesting obesity by raging out to Enya on his bike. He’s perfect for beginners and his butthole is the only thing he can’t open––because he doesn’t have one! “Live your truth,” indeed!

 

When you’re looking for a ride that will give you anus-less inspiration, these are the instructors to seek out. Namaste!

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