While other girls are busily snapping up the season’s cutest ankle boots, trying to look fun in white sneakers or going all-out in sexy stilettos, you’re one of the lucky ones who gets to kick back and relax in some comfy clogs because girl, you met your boyfriend in college, and he is not going anywhere! What’s he gonna do, dump you? Please. You met in college and he has no moves. So enjoy your long-term commitment and stability in these fantastically comfortable and not-at-all attractive clogs!
Did you know there was a footwear equivalent to wearing a sign around your neck that says “We took each other’s virginities?” There is, and it’s brown clogs. Sure, you may wonder every so often if there isn’t another, better sexual partner out there for you somewhere, someone who doesn’t make that wheezing sound that Brian makes. But at the end of the day, it makes you feel secure to know you’ll never have to take an STD test or get a bikini wax. Seduction is overrated. You’re happy in your brown clogs!
You do Thanksgiving at his place. Your mom pays for his Spotify account. You’ve done long-distance (remember study abroad!?) AND lived together. You probably have a jointly-adopted pet, and that pet probably has its own Instagram account. So when you bust out the ugly-cute vintage clogs for a mutual friend’s birthday party, it’s not because you’re lazy and it’s not because you’re weird. It’s because Brian has been with you for all of life’s ups and downs, so it’s okay if you fall every three blocks, because he’s there to catch you. Literally. You’re always holding hands!
They’re clunky, impractical and a little try-hard-y, but guess who fell in love with you back when you had greasy hair and acne? Brian did. You gave him a half-hearted blow-job on a twin XL cot and by summer you were “in love”. Going through life together, never wondering if you were worthy of love or feeling insecure about your relationship status, has given both of you a falsely inflated sense of self-esteem but no matter, you have nothing to prove to anyone, anyway! That one time you broke up after graduation was just a blip on the radar!
Life is a grand adventure, and luckily enough, you’ve already found your partner, your co-pilot, your other half for this journey. It’s Brian, and Brian is not going to mind or even notice that you make the footwear choices of a small child, nurse or grandma. Because Brian, well, Brian loves you for you. And he doesn’t have any idea how to talk to girls, and you got him before his growth spurt, so uh, nice job there! You really lucked out!
You were definitely the first in your friend group to get married.
The clogs lifestyle isn’t for everyone, but it’s definitely for anyone whose entire romantic journey can be summed up in the phrase, “our first date was to the dining hall,’ which isn’t a cute story but everyone will just play along and pretend it is because you two seem so invested in it. Enjoy those clogs. And that companionship!