Though we never thought it possible, lip gloss is #trending again! This is both good and bad for you. The good news is that you still own tons of lip glosses from your middle school days because you’re a hoarder and sentimentally attached to the smell of artificial watermelon. The bad news is that this lip gloss will most likely give you herpes from all the boys you kissed on a dare at Ari Feinberg’s Bar Mitzvah. Here are five different lip glosses you’re gonna use even if they do give you crusty bumps for years to come.
1. Sparkly Juicy Tubes – (Various backpack pockets, $0)
You sporadically find them stuck to melted gum in different zippers of your backpack, or in the back pocket of those A&F jeans you thought you could still fit into. Juicy Tubes still have the perfect amount of shimmer and the perfect amount of stick that they had when you were in seventh grade. But be careful, the head of those tubes are feasting with prokaryotic cells, which is a word you learned around the same time you purchased your very first juicy tube, but probably don’t remember because you were too busy feeding your Tamagotchi.
2. Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper – (Top drawer of nightstand, $0)
We get why you’d risk unsightly cold sores for your tour guide on junior year study abroad in Spain, or for half a pack of cigarettes someone left by your dumpster, but Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers? Really? And although it stays in the top drawer of your nightstand, covered in dormant herpes simplex 1—you would never leave the house with it—but maybe it’s time to take this little guy out for a ride? It’s just a cold sore.
Roll-on Lip Smackers Gloss – (Pencil case, $0)
These are the ones with the cold little metal ball, which was and is so on point. You find these in your Lisa Frank pencil pouch, but don’t let the seemingly clear liquid rolling around in those little bottles deceive you. Because living in that “clear” liquid are hundred of thousands of microorganisms that will make your lips as red and bumpy as your legs the first time you tried to shave them by yourself. But I mean, this lip gloss was fucking awesome, right??
Victoria’s Secret Sweet Talk Lip Gloss – (Random bathroom drawers, $0)
We understand the instinct to hang on to this one. After all, Victoria’s Secret isn’t so embarrassing or outdated. Maybe you still shop there. Is padding sexy or is it not!? Anyway, your VS middle school gloss is definitely poppin, but is it also poppin with germs? Probably. You have one of these in almost every drawer, container, nook and cranny of your bathroom, and you still can’t remember which one you lent to Lisa for her 7th grade “mall date” with Victor Abruzzesi.
Lip Rageous *NSYNC Balm – (Couch crevices, $0)
This stuff would give you herpes even if you bought it brand-new. Stay away!
So there you have it, ladies. Lucky for you, trends like chokers, jelly sandals and lip gloss always find there way back around, allowing you to repurpose all of the things you should’ve thrown away ages ago. But don’t say we didn’t warn you.