So you’re in a rut with your amateur-philosopher slampiece. You’ve tried the lingerie, you’ve tried classic dirty talk, but your fuckbuddy just will not stop talking about Foucault. What will break him out of this post-structuralist stream of consciousness? We’ve got the answer: David Foster Wallace’s 1996 magnum opus, Infinite Jest. Nothing gets your guy ready to bone like 1,079 pages of nonlinear metafiction. This enormous novel includes 388 footnotes that are ripe with sexual fodder. Here are the very best Infinite Jest footnotes that will have your liberal arts fuckboi saying, “Consider My Monster” faster than you can say, “Logical validity is not a guarantee of truth.”
20. Fluorescence has been banned in Québec, as have computerized telephone solicitations, the little ad-cards that fall out of magazines and have to be looked at to be picked up and thrown in the trash, and the mention of any religious holiday whatsoever to sell any sort of product or service, is just one reason why his volunteering to come live down here was selfless.
Never thought dystopian Québec could be a turn-on? Think again: This superfluous detail on the French-Canadian province will definitely do the dick-engorging trick. Wallace’s rambling sentences trigger the pleasure center in the male brain, which releases hormones that make him all riled up and ready to take you to bonetown. Take your time reading this footnote to him, and let your voice fall to a soft purr as you say, “the little ad-cards that fall out of magazines….” Trust us, this beautiful imagery of life’s minute details will make him wild with animal lust!
24. JAMES O. INCANDENZA: A FILMOGRAPHY
This is the thickest, nastiest footnote of them all: an 8-page fictional filmography. And yes, you need to read every single word of this filthy, filthy addendum. No one ever said good things come quickly! (In this case, the “good thing” is his erection.) If you so much as skip a syllable, he’ll notice and you can kiss your vigorous lovemaking session goodbye. We know it seems daunting, but you’ll learn to love the slow burn, just like DFW himself—we promise!
216. No clue.
This simple reminder of DFW’s apparent humility and sense of humor will have your guy aching to destroy you (in a good way!). “No clue,” David? Why even have a footnote if you’re not going to add anything? The existentialist questions that spur from this simple, unhelpful statement will provide enough sexual fodder for you and your postmodern man to stay up bumpin’ uglies all night long.
325. Bolex H64, -32 and -16 models come with a turret that accepts three C-mount lenses, which gives the models a kind of multi-eyed, alien-facial look.
This could straight-up be a different language, but your man will definitely pretend like he knows what it means. In a hot way! Don’t know the context? Keep mum! Men hate it when women presume anything, but DFW is a god—he can presume whatever he pleases! Note: if you want to bring out the dominant, aggressive beast in him, try linking DFW’s metamodernism to Simone De Beauvoir’s later texts. He’ll have absolutely zero patience for that feminist nonsense! Get ready for a rollicking good time in the sheets!
379. See Note 144 supra.
This steamy footnote cannot be used lightly—reserve it for those moments you’re desperate to get him hard. Footnote 379 is a footnote that references another footnote. (Um, what?! Are we even allowed to print something so nasty???) Once you coyly whisper “supra” in his ear, buckle up and get ready for a hard-on that just won’t quit.
Dirty talk is a seriously underrated art form, and doesn’t always work. Thank goodness David Foster Wallace wrote over 1,000 pages of it to ensure overeducated English majors can get horned up no matter the circumstance! Take these dirty, dirty footnotes to the bedroom and you’ll be enjoying consistent, rock-hard dick for as long as it takes to read Infinite Jest (months, maybe years). Have fun!