When it comes to exercise, it’s important to find a regimen that suits you as an individual. Every woman has different needs and different goals—as long as it doesn’t involve exercising away our awesome boobs. When choosing your workouts, keep in mind that being skinny will make you more attractive, but not having boobs will undermine that entirely. Exerciser, beware!
Whether on the treadmill or outdoors, running is perfect for toning up all over and improving your stamina. Unfortunately, it is also perfect for flopping your boobs into oblivion. Instead of running, try spending your time gently grazing your melons and reminding them that you appreciate them being there. Sweetly ask them not to disappear simply because you are losing weight. Make it very clear that you love them; it’s the bra strap pudge that you hate.
Your Instagram fitness trainer says that squats are the ultimate full-body exercise. What she doesn’t know is that you spent 22 years praying for that bodacious bosom to pop up and literally nothing on this earth is worth risking its safety. Do a squat or two and let the third one end in you sitting down on the couch, where your love bulges are safe and sound. Just because it’s a lower body exercise doesn’t mean your boobs won’t find out!
The Other Cardios
Cardio is only good for one thing: losing five pounds, and losing it all from your boobs. Do not let the idea of rock-hard abs trick you into losing your true valuables. Instead, try exercising your mouth by whispering to your rack things like, “Never leave me,” and “My waist would be nothing without you.”
Burpees are a ridiculous and insane choice of exercise. You can do them, but you’ll regret it when your tatas are suddenly flatter than your abs. If you’re going to put that much effort into weight loss, you might as well change your hashtag to #BoobLossGoals. Don’t do it. Just don’t.
Fancy Sit-Ups That Involve a Contraption
You have got to be kidding! These complicated moves are not a sustainable activity. You will quit doing them. You will gain your weight back, and none of it will go to your bra sacks. What kind of life is that?
So next time you decide to “better yourself” or “try,” think about the sacrifice you’re making. Or the two sacrifices you’re making. They don’t deserve to be mistreated by exercise and neither do you.