Ladies! When you’re in your 20s, people expect that you’ll go out there, live your life, and make a few mistakes along the way. That’s just how life goes—messy, but beautiful. At least until you’re 30. Now it’s time to wake up, face facts and stop having those totally immature “feelings.” Here are the top five emotional states you need to leave behind in order to step confidently into your golden years:
Excitement. What do you have to be excited about, your eggs dying? Your best years are behind you and now it’s time to face a world that’s turned it’s back on you. There will be no more surprises, no more unexpected happiness waiting around each corner. This is your life now. Replace “excitement” with something more mature, like “neutered bemusement.”
Sadness. Many women of 30 are tempted to mourn their wasted youth, but a fully realized woman has evolved beyond feeble human emotions like sadness. Only young women look good sad, now you just look like a Dorothea Lange portrait. Leave your tears at 29 and push on into the wizened fourth decade of your life with the much more flattering “disappointment.”
Fear. Fear is for children and no one could mistake you for a child anymore—you’re 30. No childhood fear—monster, demon, or ghoul—could compare to the figure you force yourself to face every morning in your bathroom mirror. You’ve been baptized by the cleansing hellfire of your late twenties and are now ready to start anew as a woman free of fear. Swap out “fear” for the more age-appropriate “worry.”
Anger. We get it—time has ravaged your mind and body, leaving in its wake the husks of a once beautiful and carefree woman of 29—it’s completely understandable that you’d want to gnash your teeth and rip your clothes in a rage at the injustice. But remember who you are. You are 30. Anger has no place in your life as you move onwards towards oblivion. Try “scorn” instead.
Happiness. You remember what it was like to be happy back in your teenage years, with your supple skin and bouncing, carefree breasts. What do you have to be happy about now? The glowing darkness that fills the periphery of your vision? A cold loneliness washing over you each day like a soiled blanket? Get used to “mild surprise” being your best-case scenario.
Toss all these emotions in the trash, along with all your Forever 21 jeggings, and you’ll be halfway-tolerable!