Everyone loves pasta, but when you’re in need of a low carb, highly vengeful dinner option you’ve got to try shredding up some delicious phallic veggies in this popular spiral vegetable slicer! We’ve compiled a list of penis-like vegetables for when you want to prepare a light meal while also unleashing your phallic rage in a safe (and yummy!) space. These penile foods will be sure to have you laughing maniacally as you stuff them into the mouth of your hungry Veggetti.
Zucchinis are fall favorites and also happen to look a lot like dicks. Grab the zucchini firmly and think about that sexist remark your boyfriend made last night while you carve out a pile of that delicious spaghetti. Add a pinch of salt and boil the hell out of it, since according to Tom, women are only fit for the kitchen. Your Veggetti is starving for justice—and things that look like dicks!
Carrots are a great source of potassium and definitely resemble some schlongs. After a long day of arguing with your asshole boss, Jeff, there’s nothing better than a healthy, cathartic meal in your Veggetti maker. Make a sharp twisting movement with your wrist and really tear that carrot chub up. Flavor with vodka sauce, add grilled chicken and eat in silent satisfaction.
Cucumbers are perfect for a light summer recipe, and are reminiscent of a girthy wang. There’s something about ripping apart this dong-like vegetable yourself that makes it taste better than if you order it in. To really set the mood, put on Hall and Oates’ “Maneater” and whisper sweet curses to this vegetable representation of your landlord’s manhood.
Leeks make for a wonderful twist on the classic Veggetti dish, and their long shaft and bulbous base looks just like a cock and balls. If you’ve been dealing with the cat caller down the street for more days than you can remember, grab a johnson-shaped leek and shove it forcefully through your Veggetti. Say, “Fuck you!” without saying anything at all with this healthy dinner!
Eggplants are the ultimate pasta veggies, and also they remind us of dickish guys who just won’t stop texting you, no matter how many times you explain you’re not interested. The best way to process this continual disrespect for your own sexual agency is by viciously preparing a low-calorie meal in the form of violently shredding a veggie shaft.
There are limitless possibilities for dick-shaped foods to feed your Veggetti. These are just a few of the inspiring options to try if you’re tired of boring old regular pasta and mansplaining. Bon appetit!