You’re at work and the clock is ticking toward noon – thank God it’s almost lunchtime! But don’t look now – Weird Lisa is approaching your desk. If you make the wrong move, you’ll have to endure eating lunch with her instead of eating it like a normal person – alone, at your desk, while using the office computer to look for a better job. Here are a few mistakes you may not be aware you’re making that are sending you right into Weird Lisa’s lunch-buddy tractor beam:
Mistake #1: Making Eye Contact
A common mistake is to make eye contact with Weird Lisa, but do not look at Weird Lisa. Once she gets ahold of your pupils, she will never let go. You’re already doomed to hearing all about her mom’s latest leg inflammation or her cat’s new pill schedule. The horribleness of the conversation will distract you from the fact that she’s about to ambush you with a lunch invite. Before you know it, you’ll be on line with her at the shittier deli because she likes the tuna there.
Mistake #2: Being at Your Desk
One thing to always keep in mind is that Weird Lisa knows where your desk is, and she might not wait until lunchtime to ask you. Best not to be at your desk, where she will find you. To avoid any conflict, do all your work in the bathroom or behind the janitors cart. Want to really throw her off? Hide right behind her desk under her pile of file folders. This may sound extreme, but it will affect your quality of life less than the occasional lunch with the girl who drinks tomato juice like it’s normal.
Mistake #3: Bringing a Lunch
Easily the biggest mistake you can make is to bring your own lunch. If you bring a lunch, Weird Lisa will ask what it is and whether you if you want to eat next to her in the lunchroom, where you’ll have to listen to her talk about her mom’s hoarding and whether her old dentist was better than her current dentist. Have you considered suicide yet? You will if you bring a lunch.
Mistake #4: Not Bringing a Lunch
If you don’t bring a lunch, Weird Lisa will ask you if you want to go to Chipotle with her. Of course you want to go to Chipotle. But not with Lisa. Then your sofritas bowl will be tainted by her story about her last trip to Staples. Spoiler alert: She bought the wrong kind of tape. It’s not a good story. Not even guacamole can save it.
Mistake #5: Existing
This is a hard one to avoid, but try your best not to exist if you’re really dedicated to avoiding lunch with Weird Lisa. If Weird Lisa decides she wants to have lunch with you, Weird Lisa will have lunch with you. Give in. You chose this job. This is your life now.
Good luck, and pleasant lunching! There is no escape from Weird Lisa.