Ready to give this year’s hottest makeup trends a try? Good, because Ilyan is turning onto your block and will be there in less than 2 minutes, so you better be ready! Your Uber may be closing in, but don’t let that keep you from an elaborate, multi-step makeup routine that is perfect to start right before he rolls in. This is the world of cosmetics, baby!
- Faux Freckles
Step 1: Apply foundation to clean, dry skin.
Step 2: Your driver George has arrived. Run! Run like the wind, you beautiful freckle-free idiot!
- Halo Eye
Step 1: Liberally apply your medium tone in the crease of your lid.
Step 2: Samantha has arrived. Call her and tell her you’re searching for her car. Give her a fake play-by-play of your movements while you apply the darkest tone to the outside corners of your lid.
Step 3: Samantha is onto you. Run!!
- Wet-Look Highlighter
Step 1: Apply foundation to clean, dry skin.
Step 2: Joaquin’s in-app GPS is malfunctioning, and he’s circling your block. Oh, happy accident! Use your fingers to apply a generous amount of highlighter to your left cheekbone.
Step 3: Joaquin is calling. Ignore it and do the other side.
Step 4: Uh oh, Joaquin appears to be turning around. Run!!!
- Over-Lined Lip
Step 1: Moisturize your lips with an oil-based serum.
Step 2:Curses! Jamal has cancelled, and your new driver Karen is only 1 minute away. Carefully line your top and bottom lips just outside your normal lip line.
Step 3: Call Karen. Tell her that you’re on your way. Fill in the corners of your lips.
Step 5: Karen is calling you back again. Run!!!!
- Contoured Cheekbones
Step 1: Apply foundation to clean, dry skin.
Step 2: Benjamin has arrived. Fuck.
Step 3: Text any nonsense at Benjamin as you apply a dark shade in the hollows of your cheeks.
Step 4: This has become personal for Benjamin. He’s threatening to report you to Uber. Apply your lightest shade in large swaths under both eyes.
Step 5: Order a Lyft instead. Blend your makeup thoroughly.
Step 6: Uh oh, Benjamin is also your Lyft driver. RUN!!!!! RUN, YOU MAGNIFICENT DUMBASS!
Congratulations! You’re now a bona-fide expert in this year’s hottest looks. Enjoy your long, silent Uber ride!
