With bikini season drawing to a close, it’s time to put those pants back on. And what better way to stay active in the colder months than riding your bicycle everywhere? We all know that cozy feeling when the nose of your bicycle seat dives right up into your cervix, so here are five cute fall bottoms that still won’t make it easy to put your vagina on a bicycle:
Maxi Skirt
The ultimate in 60s-inspired “peasant chic” that never goes out of style, a maxi skirt gives you that shameless seat-to-crotch action that will have your vagina chafing so hard that it’ll wish it were a different genital organ altogether! Pair with a delicate lace top to look super cute as you lose all sensitivity below your legs.
Denim Shorts
A hit at music festivals and down-home country saloons alike, these cute bottoms are definitely going to upset your vagina on a bicycle. The way the jean material scrunches up around your lady parts when you hoist yourself on to the saddle, it’s sure to ride up throughout your commute, giving both the appearance of a denim diaper and the sensation of being harnessed into a child’s swing set. Giddy up!
Dress Pants
For the entrepreneurial woman, a pair of dress pants will make you look fashion-forward and boardroom-ready, all while scraping your cooch against unbreathable polyester fibers to the point of obliteration. If it ‘seams’ painful, that’s because it is! Pantsuit bottoms will tend to tug on your labia while riding, causing trauma to your vagina that you may deal with for years to come!
Spanx
Sometimes you just want to slim that midsection with a pair of flirty bottoms that just scream, “Get my vagina off this fucking bicycle!!” With a wide variety of colors that take you from day to night, Spanx are the ideal bottom to suck all of your skin toward your pubic area, and pedal your way to perfection alongside searing hot knives of vaginal discomfort!
Layering All of the Above
For a look that still won’t stop your vagina from being torn apart on your bicycle, try layering all of the above pieces. You will definitely experience absolutely no shock absorption and spend your entire ride crying about how hot it is under there, all while experiencing a sensation akin to being stung by a thousand disenfranchised wasps.
Remember: Until they make bicycles more like cars or pants more like airbags, there is no way your vagina will withstand the constant, numbing pain of riding a bicycle. Happy riding!
