For too long, humans have created wasteful menstrual products that generate a dangerously addictive degree of comfort for the wearer. With the amount of plastic entering the waste stream, it’s important to vote with your dollar by supporting the scratchy, natural products that help save the Earth and also turn your vagina into a pile of yard scraps. With these new ethical, biodegradable options, it’s easy and affordable to save the environment while never forgetting that you are bleeding:
These small sticks save paper, are lightweight, and are super easy to find in any backyard or wooded area. Make sure to check the twig for insects before insertion, and make sure your twig is not too damp for maximum absorption. Avoid sitting, walking, going to work, standing up straight, or bending over. With every one of Mother Nature’s pricks and scratches, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing for our planet.
Used To-go Coffee Cup
Thousands of paper coffee cups are wasted every day. Pick an empty cup up off the side of the highway and say, “Not today, pollution!” Go ahead and stick it up your own dripper in the same manner as a Diva Cup (and for a fraction of the cost!). Whether you’re limping to work or back to bed, smile and think about how you just saved that to-go cup from going to a landfill!
Chances are, there’s one sitting in your side yard right now. It’s still got its shape, so put it to use! A great, Earth-friendly replacement for a menstrual pad is sitting on a pumpkin until you’re done bleeding. Carve a hole in the top of the pumpkin and scrape out the seeds to create a menstrual reservoir. In addition to your pain receptors, you’ll be lighting up people’s hearts with this ingenious food and money saver! Those Diva Cups are not biodegradable!
Plastic bags are one of the hardest items to recycle, so why not reuse them during Shark Week? Simply put your legs through the bag’s handles and wear it like a low-hanging diaper. This is a much better alternative to bulky pads, and it allows you to slip into any outfit with ease. Crunching and swishing will be everyone’s new environmental anthem. Since every piece of plastic can never be undone, rinse and reuse forever!
The Canadian goose population is exploding across suburban America, to the detriment of local ecosystems. Do your part to thin the herd by shoving one up your snatch. Kill the animal, drain its blood into your menstrual pumpkin, and strip it of all its feathers, then line your vagina with a fistful of down. This soft material is extremely absorbent for heavy flows, and their meat makes a lovely sausage. Mother Nature will thank you!
Remember: Only you can prevent overflowing landfills by up-cycling trash into your overflowing vagina.