Though you love your friend Kelly, it can take her awhile to reach the point of her story. One great way to avoid the years of backstory she is going to give is by going on your own mission of self-discovery while she tries to find her point. As she eventually gets there, you get to find your truth on a life-changing spiritual quest! Check out these four vision quests perfect for when Kelly’s story doesn’t seem to have an end.
Easter Island Quest
Head to Easter Island on your quest as Kelly, on the other end of the phone, takes the term “exposition” to a whole new level. In this remote wilderness you can commune with nature or dead ancestors, for weeks before she gets to the point of her story. As she dives deep into explaining the details of what she wore that day, keep asking yourself questions like, “Who am I? Why am I here?” until you hallucinate the Creator.
Susquehannock Forest Quest
The Susquehannock forest has so little light pollution that the Milky Way casts a shadow, making it the perfect place for you to have a vision while Kelly fails to cut to the chase. After several days of fasting, a strong feeling of insanity should set in and you should start receiving insights into yourself, perhaps as Kelly starts having an insight into her story. You’ll both come out of this tale older and wiser!
Motuo is the last county in China with no road leading to it, so getting there makes the perfect quest for spiritual oneness as Kelly somehow winds her way toward a general point. On the way to this isolated mountain village, stop for a while in a place that feels special, then remain there for 72 hours. This will force you to look into your soul and also take up time in between Kelly beginning her story and figuring out the point of it. Emerge a purified soul just in time to hear her punch line!
Sahara Desert Quest
Venture deep into the desert, where psychosis-inducing heat brings you closer to God, and hopefully also closer to a takeaway from Kelly’s story. As you pull back the veil between this world and the next, allowing yourself to finally transcend this dimension, she should be concluding her story with an indifferent, “Yeah, so anyway that’s how I got my first parking ticket.” You’ve made it!
If your friend Kelly (whom you love, swear!) seems nowhere close to reaching a coherent point, simply wander around in the wilderness until your brain breaks in half. You will return a stronger person with a better understanding of the universe, and also of what the fuck your friend is saying.