Oh, the boys of summer—the dreamiest of all boy seasons. Unfortunately, your freakish ability to perspire means you’re guaranteed to accidentally drip sweat onto at least four of them this summer. Oh, the perspira-shame! Here are the four hottest bachelors you’ll disgust with your sweat this summer:
1. Hot Dude Reading on the Train
He’s a dreamboat with glasses, loafers, and some light summer reading by Proust, sitting next to where you’re standing. You’re already sweat-drenched ten minutes into the commute on this non-air-conditioned N train. Right as you lock book-strained eyes for an intense moment, one giant bead of sweat runs down your hand and falls in slow motion onto his perfectly ironed Bonobos button-down. If this were the page of a book, it would say, “The End”.
2. Hot Spin Instructor
Your spin class had a hottie sub teacher today, and when you approach him afterward to bond over your shared love of his all Spin Doctors 90s throwback playlist, you give him a high-five, thus splattering him with 45-minutes-worth of sweat and handlebar germs. While some fitness people love sweat, the sheer amount just spraying from your one hand will terrify his dick. Go take a shower and wash away those dreams of a Full House-themed wedding.
3. Hot Guy at a Bonfire
Your friend Helen invites you to an epic beach party with a bonfire, the kind you’ve only ever seen on TV. Bathed in the firelight, you strike up a flirtation with a mysterious handsome stranger. Hours later, as you’re telling him you feel like you’ve known each other forever, he reaches out to stroke your cheek, which is caked in sweat because it’s been thiiis close to a fire for the last hour. Too bad you never learned his name before he left, mumbling something about needing to make sure his stove was off. It’s time to ride off into the sunset alone and wishing you had packed those face wipes.
4. Hot Consultant at Your Office
Your boss brings in gorgeous consultant Damian for a meeting. Coyly, you take off your cardigan because things are getting hot in here, and it falls on the floor. Damian picks it up—grabbing it by the sweat-stained armpit! Forget about asking him for that “consultation” you needed at happy hour after work; just go home and call your health insurance company to see if they’ll cover Botox for your armpits. You need it.
All that said, if you want to avoid these cringe-inducing incidents this summer, you can always keep your unsavory lady-sweat to yourself by staying inside and masturbating instead. Good luck!