Sex is good for the body and mind, and is much needed in this stressful political climate. We surveyed over 500 couples this week to see which three sex positions got them excited, but not excited enough to try in this toxic political environment. Keep things exciting with these sex positions that you’re going to be way too politically anxious to even attempt. Sorry!
Baring the Scepter
Thanks to the built-in deep penetration, this position will catapult you into ecstasy—if you weren’t so glued to cable news that you’ve lost the ability to feel! Lay on your back with your legs straight in the air while your man kneels in front of you. Take it to the next level by keeping your legs glued together, and then take it to no level at all when you start thinking about how Trump is likely going to fill at least two Supreme Court Justice vacancies, and might be able to reverse Roe v. Wade during his presidency. Grab a blanket and wrap yourself in it while you both stare out the window listlessly as you say, “I just don’t know how to do this any more.”
Two to Tango
This standing position has you facing your partner and hiking one leg up around his waist. He’ll hold onto that leg for leverage with more skin-to-skin contact than ever before—as long as he can get it up while inevitably thinking about Steve Bannon. You’ll need to focus on your balance, something completely impossible when you can’t help but see Rudy Giuliani’s smug face every time you close your eyes. Jesus Christ, that guy is a disaster. It’s crazy to think that you could all potentially die in a nuclear war. Maybe you two should just lie down for a minute?
Okay, this one you’ll definitely be up to doing!! Just lay face down on the bed with your limbs splayed for your guy to enter you from behind. In this position, when you inevitably think of the significant spike in hate crimes or the gutting of the Affordable Care Act, you’ll be okay—just DON’T think about the environment. Don’t think about how carbon emissions are likely to spike under Trump or how any environmental restrictions are going to be lifted or how the proposed head of the EPA is a climate change denier and—okay, you’re thinking about the environment now and crying too violently to be face down on the bed anymore. Well, at least you tried.
There’s nothing like some creative sex positions to get the juices flowing! Unfortunately, with everything going in America, it’s really not gonna happen this time, or any time, at least without some significant outside help. Try one of these sex positions, but don’t be surprised when you’re too politically anxious to get it done.